Ron the Mentally Challenged Witch

First, before you get your hackles up about the title, let me explain. So I'm sitting here typing an article and listening to Coast to Coast AM on the radio. A woman, who turns out to be Judika Illes, comes on the air, and starts talking about whether or not men can be witches. Seriously, that was the question posed to her. She says they can, and states that the only requirement for becoming a witch is that someone be human. She goes on to state that witches can be smart or mentally challenged, as part of a longer list. It was at this moment that I got the inspiration to write the first, of what I hope is many, installment of Ron the Mentally Challenged Witch. I hope you enjoy.

Ron stumbles out of bed and walks down the hall. He rubs his eyes, then clicks on the TV to watch some cartoons. After an old Tom and Jerry sketch, he pours a bowl of Cheerios. He uses chocolate milk this time, alright, every time. Some would say this is how he rolls, but I won't subject you to that here. Ron downs his milk while scratching his soft parts.

A quick whiff of his fingers brings a crinkle to his face, and a realization that a shower is probably in order. He gets the water temperature just right, and steps into the steam. He makes a noise that, to him, sounds like the doors on Star Trek closing as he shuts the curtain. Unfortunately for anyone in ear shot, Ron starts belting out his rendition of the Hall and Oates hit, I Can't Go For That (No Can Do). He had stumbled across that song while flipping through the channels a couple of weeks ago. It had been in his shower repetoirre ever since.

He starts with his left arm, always his left arm. Over, under then turn to the right slightly and proceed. Repeat until everything is washed. After several minutes of inappropriate scrubbing, Ron steps onto his towel to dry his feet. He hates wet feet. He finishes drying off, and proceeds to the sink to brush his teeth. First, his must remove his favorite pair of hillbilly teeth. He stares at himself in the mirror while brushing. His neighbors' dog is barking again. "Shuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwt uwwwwwwwwwwp!" he yells. He decides that he must stop it. But how? He looks out the window and sees a toad. It looks to be in the cards. Ron will become a witch. He smiles, and spits.

Stay tuned for future installments!

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