ROSIE O'DONNELL FATHERS SMITH'S BABY

In a statement released to this reporter today ROSIE O'DONNELL is claiming that she and only she is indeed the real father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. When pressed for details O'Donnell just shrugged and said, "What can I say? The bitch got around".

In a related incident apparently O'Donnell's statements have invoked the ire of PARIS HILTON
who stated: "I would have fathered the child if I knew that there was going to be this much attention paid to the little larvae by the press. Oh, and if I had a penis. I'm not really sure what a penis is though. Is it that short skinny thing my boyfriend has in his pocket and keeps telling me is a breathalyzer test"?

DONALD TRUMP has also waded into the fray saying, "Well me and Zsa Zsa and Zsa Zsa's husband had a three way once and maybe there was some residual semen that could have been passed along to Anna Nicole so I guess that would make me a thirty percent father. Let's see thirty percent of a half billion is another condominium project I think, Oh yeah and screw you Rosie"!

At press time Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were inquiring about whether or not the baby would be available for adoption. When asked to comment the pair stated, "Well, let's see we have an oriental baby, a black one, and a mixed race one so a white one would go perfect with our mismatched luggage.

Meanwhile, Radio and television airwaves as well as print media continue to be jammed solid with speculation as to who the real father is and who gets to keep Smith's body rendering it completely impossible to view any of the Law and Order shows which previously dominated the airwaves.

The papparazi have been milling and milling around and apparently have been breeding like cockroaches, (There sure are a lot of them), Which has prompted President Bush to consider sending in troops. In a terse statement the president said: "If I, I mean We, invade Anna Nicole, I mean the Anna Nicole camp, I, I mean we will be able to get abreast or two of the situation. Maybe that's where those darn Weapons of Mass Destruction are hiding."

More on this story as it develops.......