Rudy and Hillary: Halloween Honeymooners

Although America faces many daunting issues, some levity is in order during this political season. And Presidential front-runners Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton are providing plenty of comic relief--just in time for Halloween.

In an October 11, 2007 op-ed piece in The New York Times, Gail Collins said that Rudy "always looks a little strange and skeletal." She's got a point. With his cadaverous face and quaint, beady eyeglasses, Giuliani must strike fear into the hearts of his opponents. A Rudy mask is bound to make a great Halloween get-up, if not this year, definitely next, right before the electoral high noon of '08.

With his belligerent hiss, Rudy easily bests Bela Lugosi and Boris Karloff in the vocal fright sweepstakes. Maybe he could jangle a bunch of big keys for added effect during his next debate. And he'll really be in business if he puts fangs in his toothy smile.

An avid cross-dresser, Giuliani would have made an excellent understudy for Jamie Farr on M*A*S*H. The big question this year is whether Rudy will trick-or-treat as Miss America or Miss Universe.

But let's give the man his due. As a New Yorker, I admire Giuliani. When he was Mayor of New York City, he brought crime way down and was a huge boogeyman for corrupt people in high places. He was justly lauded for his leadership in the aftermath of 9-11. As President, he'd scare the jihad out of terrorists, but his abrasive personality and autocratic style would give Congress and the courts nightmares.

During a recent Republican Presidential debate, "money honey" Maria Bartiromo asked Giuliani whether he thought London would surpass New York as the world's financial capital. His reply was bizarre: "No way, no how...Aw, come on!" Rudy isn't known for his humor, so his lighthearted retort was refreshing.

On the other hand, maybe he was just distracted by Bartiromo's beauty. Maria has a great face. She could probably raise hunks from the grave, but a Bartiromo mask wouldn't scare anybody.

However, a Hillary mask would be exquisitely terrifying. A good artist could draw on Hillary's shrill, shrew, harpy image. And don't forget her phony laughter, which body language expert Tonya Reiman recently described as "evil" on The O'Reilly Factor.

At least Rudy presents himself honestly. With Giuliani, it's pretty much "what you see is what you get." But Hillary has so many faces that you'd think she was married to Lon Cheney instead of Bill Clinton. And what about that Kentucky-fried accent she cooked up down South? Y'all can hear it at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pu9TQq0C3Ac&NR=1.

I was quite shocked to discover that Hillary Clinton has cleavage. I always thought she had two howitzers in there. But she's so carefully scripted that she never shoots from the hip.

In fairness, the whole cleavage thing was way overblown. Puritanism is alive and well in America, but across the Atlantic, people barely raise an eyebrow when a female politician bares some skin. British Home Secretary Jacqui Smith displayed much more than did Hillary, and there was no scandal, only admiration. You can see Ms. Smith in her voluptuous glory and read a brief article about her in the UK tabloid The Sun at:

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article327889.ece.

Let's face it: Hillary Clinton is a female J.R. Ewing. Half the country loves to hate her. If she didn't exist, we'd have to invent her.

Most of the other Presidential candidates aren't good material for Halloween. An exception is Fred Thompson. At the last Republican Presidential debate, he looked like a very tall dead man walking. Nor was there much life in his rhetoric. Give him a square haircut, a couple of neck bolts, a pair of heavy shoes, and he'd give old Boris some stiff competition.

Barack Obama? Too nice a guy. John Edwards? A pretty boy. Ron Paul and Mike Huckabee? Much too logical and substantive for anyone to pay attention.

Mitt Romney gives me pause. Gail Collins likened him to the "handsome prince in "Shrek"...a great head of hair." There's nothing scary about Romney, and he's good on his feet, but he's such a pressed suit that sometimes I wonder whether he's real. I can see him in suspended animation in the novelty department at Macy's. Instant President: inject hot air, and he takes the oath of office.

Still, Hillary-versus-Rudy is the main event. I can't wait until the long knives come out and they go at it one-on-one next year. As Democratic political strategist James "Cue Ball" Carville said during Bill Clinton's impeachment, "This is whoa!"

If a little boy and girl show up on your doorstep in Hillary and Rudy masks on October 31st, give them extra candy.