Rules for Being Human

I just celebrated 15 years at my correct weight! I hit goal weight after losing 70 pounds on 9/27/1994! However, my column this week focuses on the rules for being human. Hope you enjoy.
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My email spam blocking system informs me that I have received 128,747 email messages of which 68.05 percent were spam. Why I would want to know those particular factoids eludes me. Yet there they reside, utilizing several of my already overworked synapses.

However, what my spam-catching system cannot tell me is how many of my 41,134 approved messages were forwarded, usually commencing, "I normally don't forward things like this but..."

Upon opening said missive, I am informed that Bill Gates will send me $5,000 if I pass this along; or am reminded of the navy ship telling the lighthouse to move; or - more likely - a friend is warning me that if I don't forward this, I shall suffer severe tragedies. (Point of interest: What kind of "friend" would send me something as horrific as that? Just wondering...)

And as long as I got me started, two notes about e-forwarding "etiquette."

One: If you absolutely INSIST on doing it, do not - repeat DO NOT - include all the other comments from everyone and their brother. No one wants to scroll through 67 pages of ">>You gotta see this..." or ">>Send to everyone you know." Delete others' comments; send what matters - but only if necessary, please.

Number Two: If you wish to respond, use REPLY, not REPLY ALL. Jeeze! They oughta take that button away from people who don't know how to use it. The only thing worse than 67 pages of comments is 67 emails replying with, "COOL" or "BITCHEN, THANKS!"

Oops, excuse the tirade; pet peeve; I got sidetracked. Now, where was I?

Oh yes, once in a while, something great does cross my computer screen, and it's worth telling others about. The RULES FOR BEING HUMAN, by Cherie Carter-Scott, fits that bill, consisting of ten brilliant lessons on how to manage your time on Planet Earth.

They start simply: "You will receive one body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire time you're here." I mean, how much time do we spend glaring at our profile in any passing shiny surface, bemoaning the fact that we don't look like Anglina Jolie or Jennifer Aniston? (Personally, I don't waste a lot of time doing that, but I have unfavorably compared myself to Brad Pitt.) It's not conceit to accept your strong points. Sure, work on our weaknesses. But shame is not attractive so you might as well get rid of it.

The Rules also remind us, "There are no mistakes, only lessons. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you learn it. When you have learned it, you can then go on to the next lesson."

How many times have I done the same thing over and over, fooling myself by the preface, "This time it will be different." Sorry, this time will be like the last 17 times, unless I actually do something different.

"Don't you think you might try something else?" asks the Universe.

"I don't want to," whines my cranky inner kid.

Ultimately, I begrudgingly accept that the Universe will not change it rules to accommodate my whims fantasies or desires and proceed forward. Stomp fee. Kick loudly. Next lesson please.

Altogether, there are ten rules, covering all phases and aspects of existence. Each is simple. All are brilliant. And they end with, "You will forget all these."

You'd think, after all these years in this body, I might understand how things work. You'd think that - but you'd be wrong.

P.S. Please forward this article to everyone on your email list.