Rules for Message Boards - Television Shows

Desperate for someone to talk to about last night's "must-have-seen" television? Often, watching a television show can be enhanced by posting to an appropriate message board and engaging in rousing intellectual debate, such as "He's so hot!" However, along with the thrill of posting comes the tacit adhearence to a very strict code of ethics. What follows are a few simple rules for those of you whose lives are so full that you have time to not only become absorbed in a television show, but also find a message board full of other idiots who have the same awful taste you do.

1. Trust the producers of reality shows. Reality television producers are the most honest people in the world. They never lie about or manipulate anything. They are impecible church- and synagogue-going folk who are deeply devoted to realism. The drama you see on reality programming is entirely real, even though it looks roughly the same from reality game show to reality game show. The fact that the cast is a collection of token individuals that all fall into cliched stereotypes (the gay, the outspoken black woman, the weirdo, etc.) is pure happenstance.

On the message board, do not even think of suggesting the producers are manipulating anything, for that is heresy. If so-and-so can be portrayed as a total douche in 3 minutes of television, then they ARE a total douche, even if the 3 minutes was selectively cut from 47 hours worth. Do not question the producers; their portrayal is absolute and infinite. If so-and-so plays a bitch on a half-hour television show, they ARE a bitch. Accept it and move on.

2. No one is average-looking. When faced with a debate about a cast member of the opposite sex on any type of show (or same sex if one is homosexual), the worst thing you can do is say "so-and-so is average looking." Such a statement betrays you as a hapless moron. There is no middle ground on television. The key actors are either a) HOT! HOT! HOT!; b) Butt-ass ugly; or c) not worthy of debate. Those are your options. Do not get clever, you'll only muddle the debate.

3. Judgements on characters are absolute and final. When a new character is introduced on a show, or after the first episode of a reality show, you must come on the message board and give your immediate opinion. Your opinion after seeing the character for one hour must be certain and final. If a new character is bland, boring, or cliche in their first episode, they will always be that way, and it is your duty to label them as such from the first episode on. Do not allow for character development. Do not remind people that the character might change in future episodes; this realistic move will cause you to be a "tool" amongst your peers. For reality programs, your initial opinions should hold regardless of what else happens. If so-and-so is a lunatic on the first episode, you must brand them a lunatic immediately on the message board. Don't be wishy-washy; deliberation and thought are for academics. You're on a television message board!

4. Same with plotlines. LIke characters, plot-lines on sitcoms and dramas are up for immediate and final judgement. Even though a plot might last a whole season, you can go ahead and judge it firmly after three lines of suggestive dialogue. You have no idea how it will end, but face it, you have to carry conversations about this program for a whole six and a half days before the next epsidode - better fill the maw somehow. Again, trying to be rational and reminding people that heavily debating a storyline based on two minutes is an asinine waste of their mortality is a rather stupid thing to do. Don't be rude, be a participant. Go with the ebb and flow and give your opinion on that budding romance before they've ever touched each other.

5. Spoiler warnings are a must. Some people somehow manage to get on the message board and actively participate in debate before watching the episode. Even though this makes absolutely no sense in the real world (as in you would never engage a conversation about a show you had TIVOed), on message boards it is apparently prime etiquette. Do not anger the message board gods. Slap a *spoiler* warning on everything pertaining to anything made in the last decade, because wouldn't you hate it for someone who is trying to discuss a show they've never seen to find out what happens? Me too. Oh, and if you're wildly projecting future scenerios, you should also slap spoiler warnings on everything, even if your conjurings have no basis in reality.

6. Keep in mind the age level. Regardless of who actually participates on message boards, the accepted maturity level for discourse is around 13.7 years old. This means that even if you're a 35-year male old with a PhD, you must engage debate like a 14-year old or you will look like a total tool. When faced with the intellectually-stunning question "this show sucks," you should not respond with a psychological treatise about why an individual would go out of their way to register and post a message to a board whose topic they hate. Instead, you must respond with "does not" or "whatever, troll." If you do not know what a troll is, then you are one. (p.s. They're goblin-like creatures that live under bridges).

7. It's all subjective. On every message board concerning a television show, there will always be multiple hackneyed people who decide to remind everyone that liking art is subjective. It is okay and acceptible to remind people of this ad nauseum. Heated debates usually end with someone saying "well, it's all subjective." You might want to respond to said person and tell them that, objectively speaking, they're retarded, but this again violates message board etiquette. On sitcoms, never argue that certain things should be funny to anyone with a functional brain. This will get you proverbially bitch-slapped.

8. Polls, Polls, Polls! To be a functional message board member, you MUST participate in as many polls and surveys as possible. Part of being on a message board is being flooed daily with questions like "Who's going to win?" or "Who's hottest?" Most of these are entirely predictible wastes of time, but you have to do something to fill the space and time. Do not question the value of such polls. Do not post that they are ridiculous. Do not question that playing a Survivor-style game with all the major and minor characters is a worthwhile way to spend our time and resources. You'll just look like an assbag if you actually want to have meaningful discussion about something.

9. Nothing off topic. Hey, you're there to talk about every possible nuance of a television show, not save the world. Save the political mumbo jumbo for the CNN board.

10. NO SATIRE OR SARCASM - Partly owing to the age range, and partly owing to the seriousness of the endeavor of discussing every detail of a poorly-written drama or reality show, satire and sarcasm are not allowed in any possible situation. Not not confuse your peers with your wit. Satire and sarcasm have no viable purpose in any situation, much less one where people are trying to decide who they'd like to sleep with in fantasy land. No joke posts, no made-up characters, nothing said tongue-in-cheek. Remember your age goal is 13.7, even though half the people on the board are pathetic 40-year olds. The education level should be much more See Spot Run and much less Jane Austen.

So there they are, the Ten Commandments, if you will, of message board etiquette for television shows, straight from me, a certified message board god. Do not disobey.