Rules to Survive Scary Places: Tips for Ridiculous Horror-Film Victims

I love to watch old horror movies. The new ones generally creep me out, but the old ones are quite fun. I laugh through them, actually. The people in these movies have no common sense. If they had, all would survive their little escapades with hitchhikers, vampires, zombies and the like. So, I submit for your reading pleasure: Rules To Survive Scary Places.

Rule 1: When the old lady/gentleman in the inn/tavern tells you to avoid a certain place, DO IT. The locals generally know what they are talking about.

Rule 2: Despite how late it is, drive on through. Ignore your travelling partner's yawns, snores, and protests of fatigue and keep on going.

Rule 3: NEVER stay at Mom and Pop hotels. The kids have been known to harbor homicidal tendencies.

Rule 4: If, for some unforseen reason, the car inexplicably break down in the middle of the night, DO NOT leave it's shelter. Stay put! Lock the doors, and if one is available, put your cell phone to good use. But then, If you had a cell phone...well, that's another story.

Rule 5: DO NOT attempt to hide away in deserted mansions, castles, shacks, inns, caves, or anywhere else. (Subrule A: Ignore that person who insists such questionable places are surely safe.)

Rule 6: If, for some unforseen reason, you find yourself in one of the aforementioned mansions, castles, shacks, inns, caves, etc., resist the urge to wander off on your own to explore. Camp out in an open place, and stick together! Better yet, stay in your car!

Rule 7: The man in the tux with the sharp teeth is a vampire. Do not look him in the eyes. You will become a member of the living dead shortly after. For preparedness, see Rule 10.

Rule 8: Should you happen to run into a man in a hockey mask with a chainsaw/ax/household weapon, DO NOT lock yourself into the farthest room down the hallway, and stand next to the opposite wall. He/she/it will still find you eventually. He/she/it is not, after all, THAT stupid.

Rule 9: Learn to recognize the signs of a zombie; vacant eyes, drool, indistinct groans. Should one of your friends show these signs, immediately back away and find the sharpest implement available.

Rule 10: Carry an assortment of implements designed to fend off undesirables AT ALL TIMES. Garlic, crucifixes, wooden stakes, sharp swords, and guns loaded with silver bullets are very useful. It is advisable to wear the garlic and carry the gun in one hand at all times.

I hope these rules, while not complete, will give you some guidelines on the common sense you should employ when on an adventure. Use your common sense! Stay safe! And be sure to laugh loudly at the stupid people on the movie screen!