Rumblings of the Mind

Communication is a funny thing. My thoughts on that this fine morning. How easy it is to miss the meaning of something that is shared in a moment when it gets distorted by my own thoughts and pre-existing beliefs. The truth is, I can make a valiant effort to hear what is said and then create a whole other meaning based on whatever judgments, insecurities, fears or various emotions I am already carrying about myself. I can create an entire drama out of a few schemas I already nurture and entertain and then bring about a whole new level of frustration and angst.

How many times a conversation can take place and because I cannot remove a filter, sometimes I don't know that it's even there, and concoct a scenario that does not even exist. Someone may say something that relates only to their own experience and ping on something that is rattling around in me and I KNOW they must be saying something about me. Ah yes, because I am the center of the Universe right?! The reality, whatever is going on in my mind that I am carrying that is negative about me grabs onto the words that resonate with the fear or pain and all of a sudden those thoughts are valid. Funny how the mind works.

I can feel my heart jumping up and down, tugging at my pant leg saying, "no, no, no...wait, wait, wait". Sometimes I pay attention and kneel down and listen to it and smile knowing I need to step back and get clear. Other times, I feel that tugging and the bantering back and forth, am I hearing things correctly? Surely I am? Is that just fear? No, I know what I heard. Is that just pain? Let's try this again. Is that my gut? Is my mind playing tricks on me?

The general theme, continuing to stay in my heart and connect with my soul. To find those filters and beliefs that seem to be valid, but see that many are only agreements I have made with myself along the way to keep my world safe. I do not always see them coming up for me until they throw me on my butt and leave me looking around daze and confused. The best is when I do see them and I am too stubborn to put them aside...perhaps because I am not ready to go where I am invited to go, but I know I will go there soon. And then there is the time when I chuckle and tousle my hair and think..."silly girl, you are doing it again, you know what this is about", I blush, I fidget a bit and then sigh, and try it again, this time without the filter.

I will keep my heart open to hear, continue to be patient with myself, allow myself to make mistakes, hug those who call me out, show humility when I err, and try to do my best. That is all I can do, and that is what I choose to do.