Sacramento Older Women Don't Want to Be Addressed as Grandma or Mama

What do Sacramento women want? Older women with white hair want you to stop saying, "You sweet little thing. You remind me of my grandmother." Or as an alternative, "Hi, grandma." Or more jarring, "Hey, grandma!" Stop it. We women over age 70 know how we look and how old we are. Not all of us are grandmas. Some of us are great grandmas. But we don't want to be reminded of age-related titles from total strangers.

For you, we know it's a term of endearment in your culture. But it's not acceptable etiquette at least in Sacramento for you to hand out a flyer to an older adult and then follow it by a "oh, you sweet thing. You remind me of my grandmother." That's not necessary to rub it in how old we are. We know that. And once we are outside of the house, we want to forget our age and slip into a world where it's not necessary for total strangers to address us in age-related terms like grandma for a woman and old-timer for a man.

What Sacramento older women really want is floriography, the secret language of flowers. See the sites, Flower Fairy Oracle Cards | The Victorian Language of Flowers, and The Forgotten Language of Flowers " Victorian Era " | Facebook. Also see, The Romantic Language of Flowers during the Victorian Era. Messages were conveyed through the language of flowers that lovers and people who were friends sent to one another. FlowerFlower s in and long before Victorian times had been a sign of romance. Different types of flowers were used by lovers to send secret messages by means of sending specific species of flowers. See the sites, Living Victorian Web Magazine - Journal, Flower language - love messages - floral symbolism and meaning, and the floriography site, Interpreting The Different Meanings Of Flowers.

Can you really expect anyone in Sacramento to read about how much older women appreciate floriography? Who tends to address strange women as 'grandma?' Usually, it's someone around age 21 or so, whose own mother married young, is presently around 40, and has a mother (granny) at least 60 or older. Sometimes it's cultural and ethnic, but not always. And men who address older gentleman as "old timer" usually are middle-aged working men, most often bus drivers and sometimes even service workers, taxi-drivers, and people helping other people in their professional and also blue-collar jobs.

Older women raised by mothers whose own mother was steeped in Victorian etiquette are shocked by young people who address them on the street as grandma because it makes them feel older than they want to feel when out for a walk or shopping as a form of comfort 'food' of the soul.

Most of the time it's Sacramento bus drivers addressing older men as "hi, old-timer." Hello or hi is great, but there's no need to add the words "old-timer." Again, we know how old we are and look. And when outside, we don't want to be reminded of it from younger people or anyone else.

How often has this happened? Daily, to me and to other women over age 70. Today outside of Walmart, a total stranger handing out a flyer on taxes didn't say one word about the political or tax issue. No, all she had to do was get personal with words that again, reminded me time and time again that I'm to be compared to grandma, her grandma. Is this a cultural term of endearment for many? It's just not good etiquette in any generation.

It happened the day before in front of a Sacramento supermarket. Wherever I walk past a stranger in a doorway, it's either hi, grandma, or someone handing out a flyer or asking to sign a petition using the word 'grandma' in a sentence directed to me. It's just not necessary for anyone of any culture to address an older woman as 'grandma.'

Not only are you a stranger, but you have no idea whether I even have grandchildren or children, for that matter. Most young women and some men who use the word, 'grandma' when starting a conversation with an older woman in Sacramento have no idea how the term affects someone who is not a relative.

In some cultures it's more acceptable to address all women as either 'momma' or 'grandma.' But in mainstream culture, etiquette says the most polite way to address a stranger when handing out a flyer is to stick to the issue on the flyer. Talk about taxes, not about how much the older woman reminds you of your own grandma, no matter how much you love your grandma.

You can look at it from both sides. But you have to understand why when I'm walking with husband or friends, it never happens. Only when a woman is walking alone, usually in front of a store, is she addressed as 'grandma.' Most frequently it is young women who use the term, women who frequently misjudge the real age of the older woman. Maybe she looks over age 70, but is really much younger. It's her dress, her white hair. So why tell the woman something she already knows--how old she is and how old she looks?

If you want to make friends and compliment an older woman (since she probably gets enough criticism from her family members) don't say anything to remind her of how old she looks which is translated as how short her life span really is. Forget trying to make her day more comfortable with those words, and instead, stick to the real topic--of the political issues on the flyer you're handing out. Or if you're a man, it's not necessary to yell from a doorway, "hey, grandma," just to shake up an older woman. She gets enough of this from family crises and her own issues in her older years.

Instead, please stick to the issue at hand. What message are you going to deliver, if any, that has to do with neutral, objective issues rather than any personal information you perceive in your people watching day? Make someone smile and feel comfort or joy for a moment instead of telling them how much they remind you of your own old grandma, which we all know you love. No man or woman wants to be called by a total stranger, "old-timer" or "grandma" even though they really are a great grandma or pa.

There's no reason to remind them of how short their life span really is or how they are in deep decline due to age. Nothing positive comes out of reminding total strangers you meet once in the street of age-related phrases. Instead, pay someone a compliment that will make an older woman smile: stick to the issue of the flyer about taxes or similar political or local environmental situations, and you'll find the person will more likely be willing to support your causes.

This same act of etiquette goes for bus drivers calling older men "old-timer" (without thinking of its effect on the other person). If you have to wait until the person is alone and not with a spouse or family members/friends to say the words, don't say them at all. A smile goes a long way as do greetings such as: "How are you? Or nice weather we're having." What's worse than being compared to your grandma? In your forties, it was being compared to your mama.

And what's even worse then that experience for Sacramento's older women walking alone in midday on shopping trips? It's hearing the F-bomb from the mouths of young men and women over and over in every shopping center that's affordable to most older middle-class shoppers. It would be more shocking than being reminded of how old you are and look to have that word combust in your face. And it happens daily as young people pass, often three abreast, next to you as you walk on the narrow sidewalks of Sacramento.

It's a daily experience. Perhaps that's what you get for obeying the TV ads telling you to walk more for your health. Think about it. And it would be great to figure out what random and anonymous act of kindness would make someone feel joy, comfort and want to smile. Perhaps the idea of floriography, flowers as messages of love, comfort, and joy.