Sacrificing in a Relationship

I have heard many people say that "sometimes you have to sacrifice to get what you want." There are many other such quotes about sacrifice and most of them say about the same thing. They make "Sacrifice," out to be this wonderful selfless characteristic, yet, you will ultimately get what you desire when you do it. You don't always get what you desire and many times "we" act as if we are being selfless, but we are really not. Since some have figured this out, they have advised not to sacrifice at all. I disagree with this approach as well.

When the sacrifice is to get something in return: more love, more happiness, they become disappointed when that sacrifice does not yield the desired result. This is because the sacrifice was not made because the sacrifice actually "wants to." You are sacrificing because you believe that by doing so, you will get something in return. Actually, contrary to popular belief, this is not selfless sacrifice. this is what I call a false sacrifice. You act as if you are doing it for your partner, but you are really sacrificing because it is the path of least resistance and you want the relationship to thrive. Your partner might not even realized that you have made such a sacrifice. Thus, you are believing that you have made all of these sacrifices in the hopes of bettering your relationship. And, your partner thinks that you are perfectly happy doing what you are doing and does not even know that you have sacrificed anything. This is why it is essential to discuss the situation when you feel as if you are sacrificing.

Many experts tell women "not to sacrifice." they tell them that it is ok to be a bit selfish. After all, "YOU come first." and they say, "The man has been selfish for years, it is your turn." you should not have to sacrifice anything to be in a relationship. until the 1970's, women were sacrificing a large amount of their time and energy to have a family and a home. This was not necessarily helpful either for it left the woman hollow and regretful. I am not advocating a return to that time. However, upon expert advice, women are being quite selfish in their relationships and when they don't get everything that they want or when reality has not aligned itself with fantasy, they check out of the relationship. They are not learning effective compromise. They are learning to be guarded about what their partner wants them to do and they are learning to always put themselves first. Selfishness is not an effective ingredient in a relationship. So, how can women stay in relationships and still not regret any of their sacrifices.

I agree with making a list of your hobbies, interests, important people, goals for the future and dreams. Discuss them with your partner. Most likely, your partner has his own list and ask him to share it with you. Of course, after reading his list, you should not throw your list away and submissively surrender all the characteristics that makes you a special person in order to keep harmony in the relationship. In fact, the partner who respects you will want you to enjoy your hobbies and he won't want to alienate you from your friends and family. He will know that this will hurt you and he won't want to do this. Too much sacrifice is actually counterproductive in a relationship. It is not because the man will take advantage of your sacrifice. It is because you have not shown your true self to your partner. You have not displayed your whole self which includes your goals, dreams, interests and friends/family. A relationship consists of two people, if you sacrifice who you are, then, even though you believe that you are doing it for the good of the relationship, you are really condemning the relationship. This is because two valid people are no longer contributing to that relationship. You have changed the relationship considerably. The two people that had formed the relationship to begin with are not the same.

Certainly there is a happy medium. Of course, when in a relationship, some time and energy is going to be sacrificed to nurture the relationship. It is a good idea to have some things that you and your partner like to do together. Two people who are equally selfish or not sacrificing are actually not in an emotional and intimate relationship. They are just living parallel lives while experiencing social discourse and physical intercourse when it benefits both of them.

Sacrificing is essential for relationships. What you sacrifice, when you sacrifice and how long you sacrifice should be a mutual decision. If you discuss your hobbies, dreams, family/friends and enjoyable activities, you and your partner can come to some type of agreement about what you are sacrificing. No one person should sacrifice all of the time. A partner who wants to lift you up will not want you to sacrifice all of the time. And, when it comes to friends and family, let your partner know how important that they are to you. You should not have to sacrifice your relationship with your friends and family. Although, you might have to sacrifice some of the time that you spend with them. If a partner is asking you to sacrifice too much, talk about it openly and honestly. If you cannot come to an agreement, it is best to find someone who shares more of your values and who will be more compatible.