Sad Christmas Memory

A sad Christmas memory for me was of Christmas 1994. My mother had died 4 months earlier and since I always lived with her and was her sole caregiver until she died at 76 years old of Parkinson's Disease, it's needless to say that we were very close. I never spent a Christmas without my mother and it was she who always made Christmas very memorable. Our family always gathered at our house for the holiday and so did my step-families and the families of my sister-in-laws when they could. My parents were Italian and my mother was known for her delicious Italian cooking and baking, which glorified our holiday tables - and our stomachs, too. I knew Christmas of 1994 was going to be different for me and my young daughter, since it was the first Christmas without my mother. First, I robotically made sure we had a normal Thanksgiving, by cooking a huge turkey and all the other foods known to go with our Thanksgiving dinner during the prior years. My daughter and I were both very proud of our accomplishments. Of course the sadness of loss and grief still pursued within us both. My mother's illness and death exacerbated my symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - OCD, which added to the struggle of us trying to get past her death. It is customary not to decorate for Christmas during the same year someone close to you has died and not to send out Christmas cards that year either. I decided to still send out Christmas cards as a way to stay connected to people and to try and add some joy and normalcy to our Christmas. I also love to play Christmas music, which I also continued to do that year. Little did I know, that one Christmas song was going to affect me so much and keep me so far from what I subconsciously knew was the absolute truth. The Christmas song I'm talking about is, I'll Be Home For Christmas. As soon as it first played, my mind had me thinking it was my mother singing it to me - that she would be coming home for Christmas and every time I heard it I had the same thought. I knew it wasn't her voice, but our mind plays tricks on us sometimes and for some reason, I didn't want to fully comprehend and accept that she was really gone forever. Yes, I saw her body in the coffin, but don't ask me why I still thought there was the possibility of her coming back. Maybe it has something to do with my father dying when I was 9 years old and at that time I truly didn't understand death. I went to school that morning, he went to work and I never saw him again. It could also be the result of a recurring dream I had after he died. In the dream my mother said to me, "When he comes back...."

I continued to play the song, I'll Be Home For Christmas, and every time I heard it from November - December 25th of 1994, it kept alive the possibility in my head that my mother might come home for Christmas. As always I continued to play Christmas music for awhile after Christmas too. Once Christmas past and I still heard that song, I stopped thinking she would come home for Christmas. I remember first getting very depressed about it because reality had hit - she was never coming back home.

Christmas is better for us now - 15 years later. I still don't put up a Christmas tree anymore, but about 5 years ago, I finally joined my family again to celebrate Christmas Day at their house. I'm sure if and when I have grandchildren, I'll put up a Christmas tree and other decorations again. Today that same Christmas song, I'll Be Home For Christmas, now elicits happy feelings for me. My daughter is away at graduate school and every time I hear that song I think it's her singing it to me and the truth is, she WILL be home for Christmas. I'm counting the days until I can go to the airport and pick her up.

Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to everyone!