Sad Song of My Heart

I had no ulterior motives
I wanted out of the house
Four months of pain and torment
Behind its four walls
Crying myself to sleep
Crying to myself
Crying
Begging God to help things change
Suffering
Dying
Crying

I just wanted to be able to breathe
It hurt so much inside
Inside me
Inside the house
Losing you
Losing me
I had to breathe

I was upset
I was angry
I was scared
I was stupid
I was alone
I was bold
I was drunk
I was scared
I was cold
I was raped

I turned to you in one of my worst moments
Not to change you
Not to talk you into anything
Because I had to tell
Because I had to let it out
Because I knew if I didn't it would eat me alive
Even more than I had been already.
I wanted to die.
Pain on top of pain.
Heartache on top of heartache
Begging
Crying
Pleading
Bleeding
Needing

My plea for help
for support
for love
for compassion
turned into a plea for my sanity
in one of my darkest moments
I lost you forever
Again I wanted to die

So I tried
And you made fun of my pain
You told me it was my fault
You told me I deserved it
I tried to die
unable to stand any more pain
unwilling to cry any longer
I tried to die

and you said I am crazy
you said do what I needed
I have your support
but I didn't
Did I?
Do I?

You were my friend.
My rock.
My one constant in a world of change and pain.
The one person who could make everything okay
Or give the illusion that it wasn't as awful as it felt
You took that away.

I wanted to die
But you saved me
For what?
Why?
Again you said you supported me
While you were taking everything from me
I lost you
I lost everything
I had nothing
I didn't want to live
I didn't want to have to face reality
Reality was a horror
Reality meant walking through the valley
Of the shadow of death
Alone
In Darkness
I couldn't do it then
And I can't do it now

Somewhere along the line my strength lay within you
My spirit became embedded in yours
My hope, my dreams, my wants, my needs
All wrapped up in you
In US
And you walked away

You kept coming back
Just to make sure I suffered more
Or kept on feeling the pain
Why would you do that?
You win.
I feel nothing but.
I miss being able to smile.
My heart hurts.
Again.
Right back where I started.
Losing you.
Losing me.

Vicious circles.
I want to die.