Saddam Hussein Obituary

Celebrity deaths always come in 3's, and nobody made more sure of that this past weekend when the Iraqui Government executed their former president, Saddam Hussein for war crimes against their nation. But every life has a story to tell, including a murderous, beret wearing terrorist. So, seeing as how any government published report on the man would be slanted and biased, I took it upon myself to write the man's obituary. And seeing as how I have absolutely no knowledge of him whatsoever, it can't possibly slanted. Truly, not since 1994 has there been a hanging celebrated more than the autoerotic asphyxiation of Saddam Hussein. But who really was the man behind the pinata?

Many are surprised to learn that Hussein was born in a log cabin in Chicago, Illinois in 1937, to proud parents Judy and Azrazeal Muchmachmood-Habergazara Hussein. Saddam's parents were working class people (Judy a janitor and Az a maytag repair man) so little Saddam never had the luxiarious toys of his boyhood rival: Ned Beatty.

Saddam was jealous of Ned's lavish attention, his metal tonka trucks, his 3 flavored popcorn cans and his brother who Saddam just knew would be all up in Madonna some years later...Saddam was beaten every day as a child...many times by complete strangers who just didn't like his stupid face. Saddened and chubby, Saddam decided to grow a humongous beard for his assface, and later used it to help store his mighty arsenal of beardknives and beardfiles.

Heading up into the mountains of Chicago, Saddam vowed to work hard on becoming a strong spirited douchebag, and to come back only once a year and to steal christmas from everyone. Saddam ended up building an elaborate radioshack of a cave, complete with electric tieracks and robbie rotten approved dinosaur costumes. Sadly, Saddam was shot 8 times outside a nightclub after stealing christmas from a battlerapper, and soon after being told that his voice "had more pain in it" Saddam changed his name to "SoDAMN inSANE" and rocked enough bling to choke a kurd.

Not puttin up with anybody's she-ite neaux meaux, soDAMN released his debut CD: "Gas the MASSES!" in 1984. The record featured collaborations with Run-DMC, Fred "rerun" Berry, Rik James, Eazy E, Lord Tariq and Peter Gunz, Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti and Awad Hamed al-Bandar. soDAMN's biggest hit of the time "Hide Dem Weaponz (in dat big fat azz)" was a hit on modern rap radio, and soDAMN rode the gravy train all the way to his own production company. However, soDAMN ended up being run out of town on a rail for his failed reality show: "Battleship (FOR REAL)"

Depressed and fat as Al Gore, soDAMN dropped his hiphop edge and did the Michael Jackson thing and moved to the middle east to start a new life. Sadaam quickly found quick employment as a rep for Avon, and became the regional salesperson of the month in 1988. Saddam's success led to his being elected fuhrer by the avonlovin' public in 1989. This of course led to Saddam's breakout role in Hot Shots! with Charlie Sheen and Lloyd Bridges, where his acting was credited as "superb!" by Harry Knowles of AINT IT COOL NEWS! Saddam starred in the sequel in 1994, but was critisized for trying to kill the president during the downtime of the shoot. President Bush was quoted as saying "this war for the gulf of mexico is far more important than we can imagine...that Saddam needs to learn the defination of what "is" is, and this "is" not appropriate!" directly after his attempted assassination. Saddam later apologized and agreed with the American people that the only thing worse than killing the president was keeping George Bush as president, and left well enough alone.

After the movie wrapped, Saddam spent many a day, quietly rocking back and forth on his palace porch, whittling missles that he hoped to one day heave at the American moon, when he was rudely interrupted by a new and younger George Bush, who claimed that he was this other bearded guy. Bush, using the "all dem fellers look alike" approach like his father before him, slaughtered 8,000 people with moustaches using his Hatori Hanso samurai sword. Saddam used his ninja speed to eliude Bush's attacks, matrix style, and even engaged in a bullet-time slowspeed kickfight. Saddam ended up with a bloody nose, but escaped to his spiderhole to watch his Bad Boys DVD box set.

An angry Bush declined an offer to play for USC in order to continue the hunt for Saddam. However, as hard as Bush looked, he could not find him ANYWHERE on his ranch! So it was Hezbolah Stern (considered by many to be the Howard Stern of Hezbolah) who broke Saddam's silence by playing his unreleased terrorist threat jam "Rob Scheider gonna get a punch in da head" which, ironically, wasn't about Rob Schneider at all. Bush's infared satelite picked up the jam, and after digging to Iraq, found Saddam popping out of the ground to the Caddyshack theme.

Saddam was brought into captivity by Bush himself, who carried him like a kitten in his teeth by the scruff of his neck. Saddam was fattened up enough to the point where he could've been served to our army as stew, but Bush immediately lost interest as soon as that new Eelbots game came out on the Nintendo Wii. So Saddam was handed over to the shattered remains of Iraq, where, (no shit) they found him guilty of every crime ever.

So it was today, December 30th, that Saddam was hung by the old clippin's tree where his daddy used to work. Many a man were said to say that "there be a strange fruit growin' on the trees that day" before bashing his nuts with a carnival hammer and bopping the smarties out of his arteries. Saddam leaves behind 8 children, all named Saddam, and also, his mass empire of "Saddam Hussein Gas out the fat slant grills" which, to date, is worth 9 billion dollars. Truly, it's a sad day to be ungrilled meat...as Saddam Hussein: our nations's greasiest Saddam, is dead at 69. Saddam will be buried in an unmarked grave, with only the phrase "69 always." carved on the very bottom. Once again, Saddam Hussein: dead at 69.