Santa: A Candid Phone Interview

"You can call me Kris. For right now I would prefer to keep a low profile."

"Thank you for agreeing to do a phone interview with me to share your story with the world. I know that you are under a lot of pressure right now in light of the holiday season, how do you think the world will react to your decision to quit the package delivery business?"

"I know that it will come as a shock. There are going to be broken hearts, and plenty of angry parents. But, the world will survive the holiday season without me."

"So... the big question is why did you quit the package delivery business?"

"Well, there are a number of reasons. First and foremost, I can't compete with the big dogs. Fed Ex, UPS, and the USPS have been kicking my butt over the last few years with their delivery schedules. The demand for superior performance is high and the pressure is unbelieveable. Secondly, My wife and I have been having marital problems over the past few seasons due to the stress. Also the price of reindeer feed has gone up and I can't keep fuel in my reindeer. They only get 3 miles an ear of corn and I have an entire planet to cover. Inflation in the US has really hindered the toy making business. Our production has been down and now my competition is Nintendo and Sony with the new gaming systems. My factory doesn't have that kind of technology. We are really behind the times."

"So what are your plans now that you have resigned from your position?"

"Well. My wife and I are going into hiding for a few years and are moving to Hawaii. Some day soon we plan to go to Disney World. The elves will be getting a nice severance package and the reindeer will be moving with us. They might work in the coffee fields helping carry loads of beans. Some of them have worked for me so long that they may even retire and move away and start families. "

"Do you think that you will regret this decision in the long run?"

"Absolutely not. The times are changing and I consider myself to be a happenin kind of guy. I know the world will be able to cope. The advancement of technology has made my services obsolete. The world is constantly changing and now I will have to learn to adapt just like everyone else."

"Well, Kris. Thank you for being honest. I am sure the world will appreciate your candid interview."

"It's been my pleasure. I wish the children of the world the best. I want them to know that I have never been as loved as I was when I was Santa.""