Santa Clause Died

This has been one of the hardest days in my life. Recently I got married out of pure depression. It goes back further than this, so I should start from the beginning.

I was having a conversation with a five year old little girl and she was just telling me that there was no Santa Clause. I told her that I did believe in Santa Clause I had sat in his lap and I know Santa Clause, because I looked deep into his eyes and his eyes were just like my daddy's. She said Ms Someone Santa died! It hit me like a ton of bricks.

I had to sit down and I relived my childhood in an instant. My mind went racing back to the time when I was even eight years old, older than this child and until yesterday I had always known that Santa was real. I knew in my heart he was. This year Santa did not come in saying Ho Ho Ho ringing that bell wearing daddy's eyes. In his shiny boots and his bright red suit. I never realized Santa had died. I sat down and just lost control and started crying uncontrollably.

Just the other day I was standing there looking up at Santa and he would say hey little girl I bet I can remember your name now come and sit on my knee and tell Ole Santa Clause what it is that you want for Christmas. He said I bet I already know?

I always wondered how Santa knew. We would be at church and Daddy would say why don't you go sit over there with your cousin Jeannine? I would say okay Daddy. He was sitting in the front and I would look over at him and smile and he would smile back. We would be singing and all of a sudden we could hear the reindeer hit the roof top.

Then Santa would bust in through the double doors carrying a load of toys. I would stand there just looking at him he just looked so familiar and he came every year with the same eyes and shiny boots and bells and a big bag of toys. I never realized it could have been my daddy, because he would be sitting there watching me.

I would climb up on ole Santa's Knee and just look deep in his eyes I knew Santa Clause, but never dreamed it was my daddy he was so kind. I loved seeing Santa clause every year.

I knew he preached and had to run in and out to get the oranges and stuff ready for the party after Santa pictures.

Daddy would always be out of breath. I had to sit down, as I relived the whole thing again hearing that Santa clause was dead! I thought about it and I just broke down in front of this little girl and she said its alright he will live in your heart now and you will never for get him and I am sorry about your daddy it really makes me feel, so bad for you that you don't have a daddy.

I was, so shocked that a mother could tell a little sweet innocent girl that Santa Clause was dead now at my age I was being told by a child that Santa was dead.

I sobbed uncontrollably as I am now. I loved my dad and I would give anything to have him here no matter what. Well, Santa never busted in the church door this year.

Church would celebrate on Saturday night or Friday night special for Christmas. Santa never showed up. I kept waiting and then I forgot about it until this child told me Santa died.

I did not get to see his eyes this year. I missed my dad and I though I would get to see him at church and he never arrived. I went outside and he was not there his reindeer never hit the rooftops like they did last year. I am feeling all empty again.

Deep lump in my throat fighting back tears. I never realized that Santa was my daddy, but I knew there was a santa clause. I guess it is not Christmas any more without Santa or daddy or the other brothers and sister that are gone now to be with Jesus or my Grandmother or my Grandfather that used to sit watching Santa. All of them are gone. Why am I here still without a Santa Clause or grandma or grandfather or dad?

What is happening here all is lost now all is gone no holiday ever will be the same if Santa is dead. I guess it was a dumb thing to do getting married when all I was missing was Santa and my daddy.

Nothing will ever be the same. If it takes a child to tell me this. I know I was sheltered, so much and my heart breaking into pieces. Just like Patsy Cline I am falling to pieces.

This marriage is all wrong too I am gonna have it annulled tomorrow. I can not believe what depression made me do.

I ruined my life destroyed all my morals. This child words cut like a knife to know that Santa lives no more and neither does daddy. I guess Christmas is over just like life, as I once knew it.

Santa Clause lives no more and neither does my daddy or my Granny or my Grandfather. I wish I could just die to and get over it. I am dying inside and nobody knows it, but me.

Look what I have done. I am getting an annulment. I've broken my beliefs.

I would not marry for love I married out of loneliness and deep depression. Now I have to do the right thing and fix my mistake and get this marriage annulled.

I see how ridiculous it all is. To grasp at straws that are not even there. It is impossible to love if nobody cares enough to invite someone to object.