Santa Cops a Plea

It began with a simple pre-Christmas TV interview. And after the smoke finally cleared in America, Congress had locked itself in the bathroom, Homeland Security had outlawed Boy Scouts as carry-on luggage, Santa was in custody, and cranberries had stormed the Vatican.

It was just intended to be a fluff piece: a slow-news-day slot-filler bunged together by the ratings-challenged NABCBS network. NABCBS news anchor, the perky and engaging Cokie "Geraldo" Stoppinhalfabolus, was interviewing the head of all US Intelligence, a nearly inert fellow bearing the high-salary title of DNI (Dim, Numb, Irrelevant). The DNI, who looks a lot like a man slowly recovering from a University of Wisconsin football homecoming weekend, is the civil servant ultimately responsible for keeping Americans safe at Starbucks' drive-thrus from disgruntled invaders based in third world countries, like Absurdistan and Florida.

NABCBS News: So what about this terrorist plot in London?
DNI: Yeah, right. Any bagels left?
NABCBS: No, seriously!
DNI: You mean the London, over there in, um, whaddayacallit?
NABCBS: England?

He didn't know. The coordinator of all American Intelligence efforts had no clue. You and I, we can't wear shoes for twenty consecutive minutes in an airport, but this DNI guy didn't know what every tax-paying, TV-watching, barefoot airport traveler already knew.

Obviously, this was very bad news - insultingly unprofessional, staggeringly expensive, ultimately useless. However, the government's response was as typical as it gets: colossal, misinformed overreaction.

Damage Control flunkies flooded the floodlights. Excuses were floated, blaming everything from "garbled communications" to global warming to George Bush. Members of Congress suited up, leapt in front of any camera that got within leaping range, flashed some teeth, and began spending money (aka "doing the people's business"). Meanwhile, America was just trying to have a holly, jolly Christmas, thank you very much.

Let's hit some of the holiday highlights:

• Janet Neapolitan, who's apparently in charge of Homeland Security for some country we don't live in, assured her country that Homeland Security is on the job, 364 days a year. By the end of the week, Joe Biden had leaked the day each year when Homeland Security is off.

• Internet chatter uncovered that jihadist Boy Scouts might attack a plane using a thermos. Due to a garbled communication, the director of US Intelligence pulled out his sidearm and killed a take-out order of hummus. New travel restrictions required that all Boy Scouts boarding a plane be sealed in a clear plastic bag.

• A pilot who filmed TSA security flaws was punished for his whistle-blowing. Internet bloggers were quick to point out the blatant double standard in calling him a "criminal." Over the past two years, the bloggers argued, if someone had spewed security secrets to the public and the press, we called that person "Vice President."

• A new Wii "Sports" device debuted as the hot gift item this Christmas. You stand on a little white pad, answer a few health questions about yourself, and then you just stand there for a while, while the Wii stares at you. Eventually, you break down and answer the health questions without lying, and then the Wii cheerfully leads you through several conditioning and coordination games, like Heading The Soccer Ball, Dodging The Playground Bully's Sharp Rocks, and Airport Security Pre-Holiday-Flight Gang-Frisk.

• The FBI arrested a man at the Miami airport after bullets in his checked luggage exploded. Due to a garbled communication, the head of US Intelligence outlawed all plaid suitcases and arrested several dozen Cuban sandwiches.

• Apparently, there was a logistics problem with a Polynesian voyaging society in Hawaii, and this crisis required some of your tax dollars. So Congress agreed to subsidize stem cell genetic research that created a more travel-savvy society, called Uninesians. These new creatures were immediately driven to an ACORN voter registration office, where they were given free health care and in-state tuition.

• Internet chatter uncovered a terrorist plot to attack us via our food supply. But then the terrorists noticed the garbage we were shoving into ourselves on our own, and the terrorists decided to just sit back and wait.

• Based on an FBI report leaked by a "Vice President," the 2009 Detroit Christmas Bomber didn't act alone. He had help. That means that other people were in his underwear. The head of US Intelligence responded by outlawing both fruit and looms.

• Apparently, there was a problem in New Jersey getting cranberries to breed, and this crisis required some of your tax dollars. So Congress agreed to fund the "Cranberries Are People, Too" spending initiative, providing funding for pajama-grams, some mulled wine and bog mood lighting, plus a stipend to purchase a recording of Fats Domino crooning "Blueberry Hill."

• According to a NORAD update, Santa Claus was spotted in India. Due to a garbled communication, the director of US Intelligence called for an air strike, successfully carpet-bombing some satin clothes in Indiana. Already facing ASPCA charges of "tiny reindeer abuse," Santa was hauled in for questioning in several South Florida home invasions.

• Internet chatter uncovered a garbled communication in South Carolina, which is a ridiculously redundant statement on many, many levels. Due to a glottal warbling, the director of US Intelligence attempted to place an encoded, back-channel phone call to Pyongyang, the capital of North Karolina.

• The Vatican went on record as being solidly against Congress' new spending initiative, "Condoms for Cranberries."

• Apparently, there was a problem with bovine tuberculosis in Minnesota, and this crisis required some of your tax dollars. So Congress provided funding to relocate all Minnesotan cows to rent-controlled condos in South Florida. Congress then reimbursed every rancher in Montana, because the funding committee had misspelled Minnesota.

• After his 1:15 news conference, and his 2:15 presser, and his 3:15 photo opp, President Shellac O'Drama held another media event at 4:15, just in case you forgot, since 3:15, what both sides of his chin look like. At the event, the President read some more stuff he either did, or said he did, or meant to do, which is the same thing. Afterwards, he flew off to accept history's first-ever Nobel Future Peace Prize.

And finally, the head of US Intelligence just happened to overhear at a hot dog stand about an embassy bombing in Rome, so he double-bagged his Boy Scouts and immediately booked a flight for Rome.

Rome, Georgia.

But let's give the DNI a break. The poor man has enough on his plate, just trying to get Charlotte back from North Korea.