Santa is the Ringleader in a Massive Communist Conspiracy

Santa is not allowed in any other articles of clothing other than his seasonal gear. He is always wearing red. Is Santa subtly insinuating that we should adopt a communist regime? Is Santa giving gifts to communist sympathizers who he deems, "good"? What exactly does it take to get onto that list of his? What government agency is in charge of monitoring Santa's agenda and whereabouts? None. Why? Because Santa is receiving funds from unknown sources. Where exactly is Santa getting the necessary income to fund a massive production and distribution of toys for kids around the globe?

Santa lives in an agriculturally destitute land void of any major power plants or industry. It has been rumored that the elves, with their massive intelligence, have developed popular software, which has been used to raise the necessary funds to continue to his "operation". Naturally, their base of operations is underground to avoid satellite detection.

The Cover Up

Santa, in Spanish, means "The female saint". We have been deceived by the beard for too long. Any normal person sees Santa's facial hair and automatically assumes that he is a he. We have all been fooled, dooped if you will. Early in Santa's career she recognized that macho was in and feminine was out. She bowed down to the will of the masses and decided to go for the man marketing dollars. She has kept this up for to long. It's time Santa decides to show her true self and let the people decide if we want to invite her back down out chimneys. I suggest she comes out on Oprah.

The Racism

Santa is multicolored. Santa is a rainbow of racial equality. The real Santa is not bound by the tightly wound idiosyncratic personalities found on this living sphere we call Earth. No! Puce, mauve, purple, red-orange, peach, brown are only a fraction of the colors that Santa can become at a moment's notice. Santa can shape shift into any color or creed or tropical mammal, excluding the wild boar. Santa is like the statue of liberty that annually observes your behavior to determine whether or not you'll have a place in her budget, and is not bound by Crayola's version of the light spectrum.

The Evolution of All Things Santa

So as Christmas dawns upon us yet again we must recognize that Santa is an idea, an idea that can be a fun story and part of our culture. Please recognize that your contribution to how the idea of Santa is understood is really important to the kids. However you feel about this kind of strange cultural myth please take some time to realize that Santa can be used as a tool to make your kids behave as well and a punishment to the same effect. Please don't abuse Santa this year. Let your kids know that you're giving the gifts. You can call me Scrooge if it makes you feel better.