Sarah Palin Accidentally Hits Self-Destruct Button on Her Career

In a sad twist of fate, Sarah Palin's political posturing, which over the course of two years has taken her from the boondocks of Alaska to a mansion in Imaho, officially came to an abrupt end early Friday morning when she accidentally hit the self-destruct button on her career, iDog, while trying to give it a bath.

"Last Wednesday, iDog started leaking a tremendous deal of blood libel from its pooper and stinking up my mansion," a saddened by visibly still optimistic Palin told reporters at a press conference Saturday. "While giving it a bath, I accidentally hit the self-destruct button, which unbeknownst to me at the time was located right underneath his bum."

She continued, "No words can fill the hole left by iDog's unfortunate and unexpected demise, but I am confident that a swift, 5-minute burial will do him just fine, in turn leaving me all the time I need to manufacture a new career."

Under the terms Palin agreed to when she adopted iDog, she must first face the keen scrutiny of investigative detectives and forensic analysts, many of whom already suspect her of foul play. If charged and convicted, Palin could potentially be permanently barred from ever practicing politics again.

"Although it initially appeared like a typical case of career self-termination by accident, what with iDog's various parts scattered about in no particular pattern, further investigation revealed certain discrepancies," lead detective Stewie Leibowitz later revealed. "We'll need to wait for the results of the autopsy for confirmation, but it is my firm belief that iDog died from a severe case of political career abuse."

Political career abuse, as defined by Pundits for the Ethical Termination of Asinine Careers (PETAC), refers to instances in which a politician browbeats his or her career into dust-whether on purpose or out of genuine ignorance. Investigators suspect that Palin beat, tortured, and strangled iDog, and then subsequently took apart its body and laid out its internal components in a disorganized fashion.

"I'm truly baffled by these horrendous allegations-all of 'em," said Palin, balking at the suggestion that she purposefully sabotaged her own career. "I've been doing everything I can to foster iDog's well-being, including feeding it a generous diet of one-sided political rhetoric; taking it on walks through nearby cemeteries to illustrate the effects of Obama's death panels; and even letting it play with the tarnished careers of people from poverty-stricken, drug-infested neighborhoods in the hope it'll realize the importance of cutting taxes for the wealthy."

She continued, "Considering that I even went so far as to have it wee-wee'd up at the salon-and I'm talking a pedicure, a manicure, and even colorful ribbons and bows-it is clear that these people with their false allegations have clearly misunderestimated my character."

Because Palin was taking decent care of her career, or at least it seemed, she was expected to go on and run for president in 2012. After this unexpected tragedy, however, it remains to be seen whether she can build a new career in politics. Her critics say that her fifteen minutes of fame are up, but some of her more ardent supporters vehemently disagree. Regardless, the swarm of negative attention Palin has drawn from this whole fiasco will hopefully, at the very least, deter other candidates from trying to also accidentally or purposefully sabotage their own careers.

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In related news, Michele Bachmann, who has only been in the national spotlight for a relatively short period of time, just phoned in to the Whitehouse to report that she just accidentally hit the self-destruct button on her career, iPoop.

(There goes the neighborhood!)

F.I.N.