Sarah Palin: You Damn Near Had Me!

She nearly had me--she almost sucked me in. There was the Internet photo of Sarah Palin, dressed in a red-white-and-blue bikini, hoisting some type of firearms--a Playboy centerfold version of Rambo (Rambette, perhaps)--and suddenly I felt blood rushing from my brain and down to my naughty bits. "This is John McCain's choice for running mate?" I asked myself. "I'd vote for that! Hell, I'd have voted for George W. Bush had he looked like that in a bikini!" Politics no longer mattered to me. I was in love. Then I learned that the photo was a fake--had been Photoshopped--and Little Elvis shriveled, giving way to my other brain, the brain that tells me never to run with scissors, play with fire or watch FOX News Channel.

And that's when it hit me. Holy crap! Within the next four years, this crazy woman could be our president! That's right, if the Republicans rig enough machines and somehow win the election in November, a man older than most dead people will be president. One loud noise, perhaps "SURPISE!!!" at his next birthday party, could be all it takes to do Gramps in and then Rambette takes over. How scary is that? We are talking about a woman whose experience involves being governor of a state that no one has ever actually seen. They tell me it is somewhere near the North Pole. Who wants a VP who was elected governor by people dumb enough to live in Alaska? There are high schools in New York City where the Senior Class President governs more people than live in Alaska.

And shouldn't we be a little worried about handing over the job of vice-president to a woman who should have the naming rights to her own children revoked? Their unfortunate names, I believe, are Track, Trig, Willow, Bristol, Piper, Sneezy and Dopey.

Not that I have anything against women. Hell, my wife is a woman and I like her just fine (It's true; not all of us liberals are gay). It's this Sarah Palin woman I have a problem with. It's the fact that she is a woman in gender only--an anti-woman woman. She is really little more than another male ultra-conservative nutcase with a big rack. You know, just like the human man-boob himself, Rush Limbaugh.

First off, the lady is a creationist so extreme that she even pooh-poohs the concept of intelligent design. That's like saying she buys the Easter Bunny story, but Santa Claus is just a pile of hooey. It's funny how creationists believe science has it right when it comes to most everything else. If a creationist is sick, he has no problem going to a hospital, confident that, through the study of science, modern medicine will provide the answers to why it burns like hell whenever he takes a leak (I'm thinking gonorrhea). But when it comes to the origins of planet earth, it's the Bible all the way. In a span of six days, God created heaven, earth, man, woman, John McCain, and blah, blah, blah... Yeah, right. And on the seventh day, God sat back in his recliner, had a bowl of chili, and watched a Cowboys-Redskins game. For some reason they just can't believe that Darwin just might have figured out how this slimy mutation we call humans came to take over the planet.

Next, Mrs. Palin believes sex education is evil and should not be taught in schools. She apparently would prefer kids learn all about sex on the streets--the same way her daughter Bristol figured it out. Sarah is, however, in favor of preaching abstinence to teenagers, and we all know how well that worked for her daughter. Unless we are talking an immaculate conception here, it seems that young Bristol doesn't know that abstinence means no playing hide the salami. Too bad Mom didn't also tell her daughter that, if necessary, you can wrap the salami in a one-size, fits-all baggy. I believe they cover this in sex education classes.

Also, Mrs. Palin is an NRA gun nut who opposes any kind of gun control laws. Yes, I understand that the Second Amendment says that we have the right to bear arms and engage in such mindless activities as shooting defenseless animals. I have to admit that my favorite time of the year is when these dumbasses accidentally shoot each other while hunting. I'm thinking enough hunting seasons and we may finally be rid of these Neanderthals.

Finally, throw in the fact that Sarah is a Christian conservative who opposes stem cell research, a person of wealth who opposes a national healthcare system, and a "pro-lifer" hypocrite who digs executing prisoners and you have yourself a typical, scary, conservative vying for the second highest office in the world. And if Gramps were to bite the big one, she would likely be the worst president we've had since, well, now.

But of course, if that bikini photo had been real, I'd be OK with all of that.