Sarah Palin: Top Ten New Year's Resolutions for 2009

I consider myself fortunate to count Sarah Palin as one of my closest friends. One of the benefits of being in Sarah's inner circle is the annual Christmas bash she and Todd have each year at their place in Alaska. Invariably, Sarah polishes off a couple bottles of wine and then she and I quietly go off to a secluded area of the house where she tells me how Todd just doesn't understand her. Then we make out passionately before she pushes me away and says, "I just can't do it! I have a career to worry about." Then we go back to the party and take furtive glances across the room at each other with lustful desire pounding in our hearts.

This year Sarah also let me in on her New Year's resolutions for 2009. As usual, I secretly recorded our conversation. Here for your enjoyment are those resolutions exactly as she related them to me.

Keep a closer eye on those gosh darn Russians

I just don't trust that Putin fella. I think he's up to no good!

Get a Passport

As I get ready for the 2012 election, I plan to travel around the world, meet lots of different folks, and get a better understandin' of American foreign relations. I'm thinkin' I'll start with Hawaii.

Change my look

The bangs and glasses got lots of attention, to be sure, but I need to find a look that will make it more difficult for that Tina Fey gal to copy me. I'm thinkin' maybe an extreme makeover with a cute little nose, a tummy tuck, and a bleach blond dye job. Oh, and a big, bodacious set of tatas too. I think male voters will like that for sure! Let 'em get that Pam Anderson gal to play me on SNL.

Have another baby

I just love the name "Smegma." It would be a shame not to use it.

Find a younger runnin' mate

No doubt about it, Gramps just wasn't with it when it came to what young folks wanted, and he ended up draggin' me down with him. When I run for Queen in 2012, I'll have to find a youngster who can keep up with what's goin' on in this here fast-paced world we live in. I'm thinkin' maybe a colored fella. Voters seem to really like that. Or a Spanish gal-one of those Mexican mamas with lots of kids. I'll have to check and see if we have any of them in the Republican Party.

Read up on that gosh darn Bush Doctrine thing

I have to admit it was a little embarrassing to not know what the heck Charlie Gibson was askin' when he sprung that stumper on me. I'll have to read me a copy of it in case they try attackin' me with it again in 2012. I figure it can't be too complicated if it came from President Bush.

Shoot an intruder

The huntin' thing makes me look like a tough, no nonsense, down-home kind of gal. But it would really be great for my image if I killed someone breakin' into my house. An Arab or illegal alien would be great, but a Russian might be easier to get. A gay Arab Russian atheist illegally here from Mexico would be perfect! Gotta see if we have any of those in Alaska.

Be more mavericky

I just spent several months listenin' to folks tell me how to act and what to say so I didn't upset the applecart for the old Geezer. I gotta be me! Let America see the real Sarah Palin. The one who kills and field dresses wildlife; the one who says "Thanks, but no thanks" to bridges to nowhere; the one who loves it when Todd wears my panties and lets me handcuff him to the bedposts while I flog his sweet little ass with a leather whip and force him to scream out "Thank you Madam President. May I have another?"

Eliminate Katie Couric

That pain-in-the-ass little bitch thinks she's so smart. I'll invite her out here to Alaska for an "exclusive" interview, take her out into the wild, and somehow "lose" her. "Gee, Mr. CBS Executive, I don't know what happened to Katie. One minute she was there and the next thing I knew she was gone. I told her not to wander off..." Years later, some Eskimos will find her frozen, rotting remains.

Teach my kids birth control

What can I say? Teachin' abstinence just doesn't work when your daughter's a little tramp who can't keep her gosh darn legs together!