Sarah Palin for VP: Barbie Goes to the White House

As a child of the '70s, I remember sitting on the floor of my room playing with Barbie dolls like any other little girl. My Barbies could do anything, too. They were pilots, ballerinas and rock stars. They were also teachers, doctors and lawyers. They were politicians, too. Yes, my Barbies were even presidents, winning by landslides in my own make-believe elections.

Unfortunately, I'm not ten anymore, and this time, the election is real. Now I have to ask myself honestly, "Do I really want to send Barbie to the White House?"

This time Barbie goes by the name of Sarah Palin, and she really does do it all. She's a wife, a mother, a governer, and...

You want "NRA Barbie"? Sarah shoots Moose!

You want "Beauty Queen Barbie"? Show us that "Miss Congeniality" smile, Sarah.

You want "Snow bunny Barbie"? She rides snowmobiles, of course. What Barbie doesn't?

How about the latest socially conscious gesture from Barbie, who's already done the pink robbon, the wheelchair, and the Children's Miracle Network? "Pro-LIfe Barbie" Sarah's getting a lot of mileage out of the fact that she's got a new baby with Down's Syndrome. In fact, we've all heard a great deal of hype already over how wonderful she is for being so pro-life that she didn't abort a "defective" baby.

Wait. Did anyone ever really think she should?

Nevermind. If you don't look at the premise behind that too closely, it works, right? Just tuck the little tyke back into the Dream House for now. We only bring hm out for photo ops, anyway.

We've seen enough versions of the environmentalist Barbie.So, how about the "anti-environmentalist Barbie". Sarah objected to listing polar bears as an endangered species because it might hurt Alaska's drilling rights. If they were endangered, their habitat might be protected, and then we couldn't drill there. Nevermind that your not supposed to drill ther anyway, after all, it's called the Alaskan National Wildife Refuge because it's, well, a refuge for wildlife. Get it? But she insists that isn't the problem with the polar bears. If they're dying out, which she apparently disputes, it's not because of us. That's what "vulnerable" or "threatened" ,as they're classified in many nations, means. "Vulnerable" but not "endangered". That would just be too inconvenient for Alaska.. That's the the way things are, especially since the ice caps continue melting, further reducing ther already insufficient habitats.

But wait! This Barbie isn't worried about the climate change that the rest of us are noticing as storm after storm rocks our nation, either. According to Anti-Environmentalist Barbie, "IT'S A MYTH!" The ice caps aren't melting! It's not really happeniung, dispite the mountain of evidencde to the contrary.

So does this make her "Pseudo-Scientist Barbie", too?. Should we dig out her white lab jackets and put up her hair? Maybe bring out flattened globe and call it Earth?

"Shopping Barbie" made a brief comeback as Sarah tried to buy a bridge. Unfortunately for her, America forgot to charge her credit cards for her this time. Remember that "Bridge to Nowhere?" She decided against it, not because it was stupid and wasteful to begin with, but because she couldn't get the federal government to foot the whole bill. So it's only wrong to waste her constituents money. The wallets of the rest of middle class America are fair game.

Tell you what, Sarah. Put back the bridge and I'll get you those cute little pink plastic pumps instead. Deal?

Sarah Palin is an interesting woman, I'll give you that, but interesting isn't enough to win my vote. Sarah's against government spending, unless, of course, she's not.. She's for the environment, except when she's not. She's for change. Except she's really not.

Only a governor and already facing scandal for allegedly allowing her personal agenda to dictate hiring and firing practices in her State, the former beauty queen raises far more questions for the American public than she answers. McCain is counting on her million dollar smile and the fact that she's relatively unknown to lull us all into a false sense of security, though. They obviously believe that we're really so afraid of electing a black man for president that we'll vote for a man who has flipped no less than eleven long standing positions in order to win his party's nomination just because he put a woman, possibly the most obscure and unknown woman he could find, on the ticket with him to "capture the disenfranchised Hilary defectors".

Ladies, please! Are we really so distraught over Hilary's loss that we'll take four more years of the same rather than voting for the change she herself endorsed? And are we so gung-ho on having a woman in the White House that just any woman will do? Do we not care who she is and what she stands for?

Nevermind, Sarah; just smile and wave. Nobody really expects more than that of Barbie anyway.