Satan is My American Idol

In case you haven't heard of our newest cultural phenomenon called American Idol, let me be the first to introduce you. Imagine if someone was to ask if they could tie you to a chair, and slowly rip out your fingernails with a pair of tweezers. Of course this would be after sticking one hundred rusty sewing needles in your eyeballs and forcing you to listen to the best of NSync. This could sum up the experience of watching "Idol" (as it's called by its legions of zombies.) In other words, if you appreciate having your soul and making cognitive decisions, please refrain from viewing.

American Idol is what started the thinking of anyone can be a star, along with YouTube and the internet. The only problem is that AI brought it to the masses. The few people who didn't have computers in their trailer parks could now see that they could be a star too. And this is what hooked people in. Well, that and men who have unnaturally high pitched voices but that we'll get to later. America was in a dark place when AI first appeared on our idiot boxes. We had a President we hated; we were just getting over the worst terrorist attack on our soil and we were involved in a questionable war again. To answer all these problems our friendly television executives gave us something to really think about and hopefully distract us. A talent show where nobodies sing covers to bad songs, and three sassy judges to make laugh out loud comments about it.

Of course each judge has their own unique personality and we love each of them just like we love our creepy Uncle Lester. And just like that uncle, they touch that special place that makes us feel good. Of course you have the sassy British judge who says outrageous things in that piggish accent we all love, but really does have a sensitive side. Then there's the washed up 80's pop star that has questionable good looks for her age and seems to enjoy the old hooch a little too much, as can be told by her slurred speech. And of course last but not least is the token black guy. Unfortunately I have nothing bad to say about Randy Jackson because he really did have a great career as a musician. In fact a brilliant career, playing with Bob Dylan, Blue Oyster Cult, Billy Joel and many other respected artists. I can only attribute his participation in this show to temporary psychosis. He'll get a free pass for now.

And of course there are the contestants. The prize for surviving and being "The American Idol" is a record contract and one million dollars. To think of all the real artists out there who have spent a lifetime trying to be discovered and actually have real talent, this is a big slap in the face. And it's a shame that Americans feed into this crap instead of supporting real musicians. American Idol is a beauty contest and nothing more, where no talent inbreeds get a chance to show their overdone faces on television. What I want to see is a show called Satan's Idol where he chooses his next concubine from this same pool of contestants, and the winner gets to be raped right there on stage by Satan himself. After all, these people are selling their souls to the devil and I'm sure TV execs will find a way to get it on TV. Let's see Ford or Doritos sponsor THAT SHOW! Hopefully after my informative review of this show you will not feel the need to tune in. If you really get the urge to put it on, watch something else like maybe Nip/Tuck which shows just how ugly and rotten human beings are and doesn't gloss it over with singing.