Satanic Presidential Candidate Under Investigation for Promising to Impale Bush

Lavish campaign promises are nothing new in the world of Presidential politics, but there's never been a campaign promise like this. Jonathon "The Impaler" Starkey, running for President in 2008 as part of the Vampires, Witches and Pagan Party, has vowed that if elected to our nation's highest office he would officially impale George W. Bush and then drink his blood.

According to the Columbia Chronicle which has reported on the story, Starkey claims that Secret Service agents visited both him and his wife on February 15 2007. The topic of discussion was Starkey's promise to impale Bush if elected. It is unknown how seriously the Secret Service is taking the threat or if they are planning to take further action in the investigation.

Starkey, a 42 year old resident of New Jersey, is currently undertaking his second Presidential campaign: he ran also in 2004. Although representing the Vampires, Witches and Pagan Party, Starkey filed under "Independent" when registering with the Federal Election Commission both in 2004 and now for the 2008 Presidential race.

Prior to making his Presidential aspirations known, Starkey has also run for Congress in three states: New Jersey as a Republican candidate, Indiana as a Reform Party candidate and Florida, again as a Republican candidate. In 2006 he also ran for governor in the state of Minnesota, which famously elected former professional wrestler Jesse Ventura as governor in 1998. He founded the Vampires, Witches and Pagan Party in 2005.

Regarding his campaign promise to impale Bush if elected, the Columbia Chronicle reports that Starkey believes his statements to be perfectly legal. He repeatedly insists that he will not impale President Bush until he has been installed as President. According to him the President is under no threat right now.

Starkey's official campaign web site hosts an "impaling list" of those that he will impale upon becoming President in 2009. Besides President George W. Bush he also lists such people as Osama bin Laden, Vice President Dick Cheney, Cuban President Fidel Castro, OJ Simpson and others.

Although Starkey's promise of impaling Bush has garnered the most media attention, he makes many other campaign promises on his official campaign web site. Among the planks of his campaign platform, he promises to:

• Drop Hades' bombs on Mecca, leveling it to the ground.
• End domestic terrorism represented by groups such as the Ku Klux Klan, the Church of Satan and the Nation of Islam through his "Death Dealers," a paramilitary group which he claims is made up of male and female vampyres and are currently in charge of his personal security.
• Perform same sex marriages himself once or twice a month in the White House under his authority as an ordained Satanic Dark Priest.

Starkey is also the subject of a documentary entitled "The Impaler" which premiered in Australia in February 2007.