Scandal in Georgia

Gwinnett County morals Laura Mallory has been on a holy crusade against the "Harry Potter" series of children's books for over a year. Her moment in the sun came today as she testified before the Georgia State Board of Education. Ms. Mallory was shocked to discover help from an unlikely source: the Prince of Darkness, himself, Satan.

Board members were shocked by Satan's arrival, as he was not expected to even show up, much less speak in opposition to a book series that so many religious fundamentalists seem to think promotes all the things Satan is supposed to revel in.

"I'm here to set the record straight about my supposed relationship to Harry Potter," Satan announced as he entered.

"I am sick and tired of people assuming that because this wormy little English kid is into witchcraft that he and I are buds. I can't stand this little brat." Satan said as he gnawed on the bones of telemarketers.

"I mean, this kid is all into friendship, and loving his housemates and showing mercy to his enemies and doing his best, it makes me retch! He even bawled like a big baby when his uncle died instead of powdering the old man's bones for use in later acts of wanton destruction."

Satan went on to elaborate what Potter would need to do to encourage the Devil's work. "Take the relationship between him and Draco Malfoy. Instead of beating his rival in a noble and upright way, he should disembowel him, roast his flesh with dragon's fire and force-feed it to Draco's father Lucien. Or his relationship with the clearly inferior wizards Ron and Hemione. Harry should eviscerate those little fools and use the magic power of their blood to stregthen his own. As it is written, I HATE Harry Potter!"

One board member interjected. "Aside from aesthetics, what objections do you have to these books being on the shelves of public schools?"

"Well, they encourage children to read as opposed to committing random acts of violence and grand larceny." Satan said as he stabbed the board member in the forehead with his pointed tail.

"Furthermore, they encourage and develop the one thing I have spent my entire life working against: the independent thought process. I much prefer people to not think for themselves and rely instead on self-appointed prophets and guardians of good who just end up doing my work for me like the useful tools they are."

Satan then gave a thumbs-up sign and winked at Mallory. "Nice work, toots."