Scared of the Children

Ahhh, mid October already. You'd never know a whole month had passed if you never go outside. Ah, well. October passes the same each year, and this one's shaping up to be no different. That's right, it's the season of the scary movies, and as always I have a bone to pick. And no, that's not a horrible skeleton pun. Yeesh.

It seems to me that this trend of having scary, freaky little kids in movies needs to go. It all started in with those movies of the blonde haired kids in the rural towns that knew everything and that killed... for some reason. I don't know why. I never saw that movie because when it came out I really wasn't even a fetus. Yeah, I know. Lame excuse.

However, in recent days, the trend has been expanding to just about every single horror film out there. Silent Hill, The Ring, The Omen, and more recently, The Grudge 2: This time it's grudgier. Honestly, I'm getting sick of it. I don't care how pale you can make the kid's skin or how black his eyes are, or even if he makes a sound like a cat when he should be prattling on about his favorite cartoons. The concept of kids as the bad guys needs to go, if for no other reason than because it annoys me.

Don't get me wrong! Kids are the scariest thing in real life. I mean, consider having a parasite growing inside of you for six months only to erupt messily from his mother, wailing and screaming a demonic wail while politely asking for food, shelter, and tuition at a nice school with a good program for politics. Kinda sounds like that Alien movie series from a few years back. Except a bit more... scary. Republican Aliens. Yikes. Okay, I freaked myself out. Give me a minute.

Anyway, kids are scary. They aren't, however, the only scary thing out there. You know what's really scary? Demons. Demons that eat your soul. And no, you can't make the demons be demon children, because that's just sad. I mean what? Doesn't Hell have labor laws? Those poor demon children will never have a childhood, splashing around in the river Styx and playing with Cerberus because Satan makes them work in really STUPID SITUATIONS. Really. It's sad. I'm almost crying over here.

Plus, from what I've seen of the horror movies with kids in them, evil children just don't know how to get the job done. Real evil doesn't make you watch a video tape that'll kill you in seven days or wait around for someone to think "Hey, something may not be right here... I'll just look under my desk... OH MY GOD." Evil waits until someone is eating tofu merrily one evening before it impales them on a bleeding spear and steals their soul, turning the body into a walking undead minion. Now that's evil.

So kids, leave it to the professionals. Freddy Kruger was killing people in their sleep since before you were a glimmer in one of your dad's twenty-six horrible red-green eyes.

Now who wants to go see that movie with the guy hacking people with a chainsaw? Can I get a show of hands?