Scars of Childhood Abuse Take Work to Overcome

Being a grown up survivor of childhood abuse is a thankless position to be in. We are all grown up now, with responsibilities and pressures on us that we never had as kids. It can be really, truly difficult for anyone who has grown up with poor role models. If temper tantrums, drama and anger were a daily part of parental behaviors and attitudes, then how does the grown-up "child" handle getting along with other people and relating in a healthy way? It takes a lifetime of work to undo the scars of the past, but it is possible to do so. After many years of therapy plus multitudes of trial and error, here are ways that have helped me to change my life and thus change the patterns of family unrest, established long before my parents were born.

Take time to be understanding of others and yourself

Many adult survivors are overly hard on themselves. Perfectionism can eat you up, I know because I've grown up dealing with it myself. There are times when beine a perfectionist is helpful for me, like in doing detailed artwork, but there are limits that must be set to not get carried away with it. We all make mistakes, and when we do, it doesn't mean we are "damaged goods", flawed or incorrigible. Allow yourself, and others, to make mistakes. Many abuse survivors think in the "all or nothing" way of judgment. They either are totally accepting or totally rejecting, for example. There is no gray, just black or white. Health is in seeing the "gray", there is a middle ground. If I mess up on a drawing, for example, it isn't thrown in the trash. I re-work what is wrong with it, walking away for a break if things get too frustrating and returning to finish with a clearer head. Take a kinder, gentler approach to what annoys you. Try to see the middle ground, by realizing that each situation has answers. Think of alternatives to solving the problem, open the mind and explore other outcomes instead of giving up. With practice, this actually works.

Realize that other people don't define you, you define yourself

Having no outward scars of trauma, abuse survivors appear to the world as "normal" and therefore may not get the compassion or understanding for their problems when they crop up. Having depression, post traumatic stress disorder or other issues is difficult because it's hard for others to fully understand where we're coming from and how we think. It may baffle people to realize that a survivor doesn't know how to get close to others, or how to trust. In therapy, survivors get labels of different kinds, meant to help combat our issues, but nobody likes to be called "borderline, unipolar, chronically depressed," or other terms. To me, what matters is the help that is given. Names and terms don't mean anything to me, because I know that the therapist is trying to help me figure out the big and confusing puzzle that originated from childhood pain. The only way out of the agony is through it, in order to grow. In time, using cognitive therapy, the pain subsided considerably, for me. I no longer see a therapist, but would again if necessary in the future.

You know that you're a good person, and that whatever label is given to you doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. You are still you, and nobody will take that away from you. People who call you mean names are simply showing their shortcomings in doing so, and have no authority to define who you are. Only you are in charge of the true definition of yourself. In therapy, don't take labels to mean that you're crazy, damaged goods or whatever. You are simply a good person that bad things happened to, and your duty to yourself is to carve out a life that is right for your wants and needs. So, let the therapist help you to find out what those wants and needs are, in depth. They have a way of drawing us out, and seeing more than we can see, so that together we can plan a more workable and less painful life.

Let go of blame and anger

In no way do I defend abusers, not at all. They alone are responsible for their own actions. There are so many people in this world who should never have become parents, but they did. Many wanted to be good parents, but failed miserably at it. Others didn't care, were selfish or evil and had no remorse about it. Whatever the case may be in your life, remember that you are your own person now. You are now free from whoever hurt and abused you. Your job is to be good to yourself in the way that others may have denied you, giving yourself things like stability, peace and love. Work to learn things that weren't taught to you. Knowledge is power, and understanding yourself is the first step out of repeating a troubling family past. You can do it. It takes patience and a whole lot of time. Don't beat yourself up, don't harbor ill will against those who hurt you because that is wasted energy. Put that precious power into yourself. It snowballs in time. Take it from one who knows, life is worth living no matter how deep the pain you have. In time, the feeling of relief and freedom that comes is well worth the work it took to get there. Never take your eyes off your goal and just keep pushing. You can do it.