Scars, Marks, and Swimsuits: Why I Don't Wear a Bathing Suit in Public Any Longer

Physical scars from three cancer battles have been something I consider a problem for the past four years. At age 6, my first surgical scar was due to an AV malformation of the scalp. The surgeon cut the scar in the shape of a horseshoe to make it look better and my hair grew out by the time I was 9. Only my family and hairdresser knew it was there.

At age 9, the bigger scar became necessary. A dysgerminoma diagnosis left a 6 inch horizontal scar on my stomach. The vaguest of my memories includes my mom and the doctor talking about two piece bathing suits. He told her not to worry because the scar would fade with time. My belly button was destroyed in a follow-up surgery for cancer staging. I remained undeterred with two piece bathing suits. The scars were a part of me and it was worse my carrying them around than someone seeing them.

In 1992, the cancer returned and I added a small port-a-catheter scar.

Throughout the 1990's I added many more scars. The then undiagnosed Cowden Syndrome and my cancer diagnosis made a surgery necessary on average every 4 months. At the end of the decade, I had the large abdominal scar, two scars on my head, four scars on each breast, thyroid incision scars, and more.

I remained undeterred by swimsuits. Some summers I had one-pieces while others I had two. I accepted people would ask about my scars while in the swimming pool and they did. I told them and saw their faces fall. The statement, "you poor thing" didn't affect me as much then as now.

In 2008, I had a mastectomy and did not understand what it would do to my body. I didn't realize the extent of the scarring would be worse than anything I experienced to that point.

In spite of reconstruction, it is obvious even to one not paying attention I have undergone major scarring. The scarring of the breasts adds attention to others. I think back to the first time I had a scar that was obvious in a swimsuit and am grateful I didn't set that time out of the pool.

My 6 year old daughter had a swimming party for her Daises Girl Scout Troop last night. I wasn't the only mom in street clothes. One mom asked me why I wasn't swimming and qualified it with "probably the same reason I'm not." "I hope not", I thought. I didn't go into details as it would be pointless. I don't wear bathing suits in public because swimming is usually a fun activity and my speaking about cancer unless someone is looking for it is a major buzz-kill.

As I watched my children play in the pool, I noticed my 7 year old son sporting his new small abdominal scar from his own AV malformation. I wondered if he will ultimately have a body as disfigured from Cowden Syndrome and cancer as I do. I pushed the thought out of my mind and forced myself to live in the moment. My son has one more year of swimming lessons before he is finished. My daughter is no longer afraid of the water and will actually go under. Their world isn't about cancer and scars'"not yet.

After all these years, I understand more why my mom worried about swimsuits. She worried I would be asked questions I didn't want to answer. She was right but only because at 34 years old, I'm finally ready to put the past behind. It's too bad in this one case I can't'"not yet.