Scary Things Women Suggest to Us

I remember well that time my then-girlfriend broached the topic of our future. She asked me to attend her sister's wedding with her. I wonder what ever happened to her?

Anyway, after a man and a woman have been together awhile one of them (guess which?) decides that what they have is "just right," so it must be changed. And the suggestions begin. "What if we--?" "How about we just--?" "Are you going to wear that--?" and so on. These suggestions go over like lead balloons filled with anthrax. Guys see where these suggestions are headed. And that's kinda the problem. Face it, guys are about the journey, woman are about the destination. Things are going along nicely. Women then want to know where "this is headed." What am I, I-95? Hey, if it's not broken, why marry it? Alas, getting a significant other is like having a back seat driver for every aspect of your life.

Look, men are hunters by nature. The thing we hunt for most is our comfort zone. And it takes some hunting: childhood was pretty cool, with mom and dad handling things. Adolescence was hell and I have the yearbook picture to prove it. You can see the fires of Hades licking at my mortarboard tassel. College came close, but there were all those papers and exams. They're really buzz-killers.

Finally we reach a point where we're legally of age to fend for ourselves without having to be mature about it. Good times. Chips and beer. A steady income invested in even more chips and beer. Big screen TV with the sound running through the stereo. And always the real possibility of sex. It takes a while for most guys to get their rut, er, excuse me, groove, down just right. Then along comes some pretty little thing and it's like a firecracker in LEGO town.

A woman saying something like "Why don't you give me a key?" or "What if we move in together?" translates, within the male's synaptic system, as "Why don't you put your stuff in storage? Oh, and put the toilet seat down." The phrase "oh-oh" leaps to mind.

There's the suggestion "to meet my parents." This has "serious commitment" written all over it. But it's not as bad as "I want you to meet my cat." This signals "serious commitment" but it also signals that the girl is "nuts." It's a pet. I'm not "meeting" it. I don't meet anything that doesn't use a fork and knife to dine. And that includes several of my relatives.

Suggestions crop up concerning things like the way we behave; "Let's cuddle instead." Sheesh. I mean, that's like holding the remote but not turning on the TV.

"Want to go to the mall?" This is a rough one. It sounds harmless enough. But women don't just run in and get what they want and leave. If you're going to the mall, figure you'll be there at least 4 hours minimum. Or until your eyelids cease blinking. Maybe if you're lucky, there will be a visit to the food court but only if salad is involved. A similar suggestion is a remark along the lines of, "You don't really think those pants go with that shirt?" This sounds like a question, but it's not. It's a statement. It generally means you're going back to the mall.

There are a ton of remarks which are like walking into a minefield wearing snowshoes. I once personally dodged the infamous "Do these pants make me look fat?" Cornered, I responded, "What pants?"

There was the time we were watching some sit-com and the husband made the confession that he has pictured women naked. Jerk. So, naturally, my lady turns to me and asks, "Do you picture women naked?"

"No," I said, "I picture them with tighter clothes on."

Once during a PBS pledge drive, I was told, "We should do something cultural. Let's go to the ballet." Yeah, right. Face it, ballet is opera for the deaf.

"Do you ever think of children?" Only as the competition.

"What are you thinking about?" You (any other answer will create untold heartache and rivers of tears. Possibly personal injury and/or legal action).

One must face these various suggestions and queries with grace, humor and, occasionally, jewelry. Of course once the ultimate scary question comes up ("Do you love me?"), then all bets are off.