Schizophrenia and the Ones We Love - Road to Insight

I married my high school sweetheart at the age of 19. He was quiet, very sweet and he adored me.

5 years into our marriage he began to show some very odd behavior. He was obsessed with the idea that I was cheating on him. He didn't think I was cheating with a man, he thought I was cheating on him with myself! I was mortified. I would see his feet standing outside the bathroom door while I was taking a bath. He would put the baby monitor in the bedroom while I was asleep , then burst in and ask what were those noises he heard? It was a nightmare and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about his behavior. I didn't know what to do, I was walking on egg shells all the time. I would wake up in the middle of the night and find him sitting up staring at me. Or he would ask why I was making moaning noises, I even tried to lay as still as I possibly could but it didn't matter he still heard noises that were not there.

I just kept telling myself that it was stress from his job and it would pass. We argued constantly I just could not convince him , his realty was the polar opposite of mine. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. I thought of leaving him every day, I cried every night for months.

I am a fixer by nature, I enjoy helping other's fix their problems but this was one problem I just couldn't fix. I needed help but didn't know how to tell anyone, it was embarrassing. When your husband thinks you are constantly masturbating it's just not something you broadcast, especially to a conservative Catholic family.

Once this delusion of his past I talked him into going to talk to a counselor with me, I actually threatened to leave him if he didn't. So we sat and told this complete stranger our embarrassing problem. The counselor stated my husband was probably just under stress from work and he was too old to have Schizophrenia. We left that office $80 poorer and still had no answers.

Several years past before this problem surfaced again. This time I was somewhat relieved that the delusion had nothing to do with me. He confided in me one night and told me he thought his work was a meeting place for evil. Everyone was out to get him. I didn't know what to tell him. Aside from my website that brought in a hundred a month, he was our sole support. He knew he couldn't just quit his job but I could tell he truly was afraid of going to work. He began reading the bible constantly and even thought there were secret passages written just for him. I had to tell someone! I couldn't deal with this all on my own again.
I begged and pleaded with him to see a doctor and a real Psychiatric doctor this time not some lousy counselor. He refused and as time went on he just got worse. He got worse fast this time, it wasn't just a little psychosis he actually started seeing and hearing all sorts of bazaar things.

It was months of packing up 3 kids and staying at my moms for a night or 2. I called the police on several occasions and they did absolutely nothing to help us. He needed to be committed, I felt as if the burden was completely placed on me . The system wouldn't help me. I took him to the E.R. and they wouldn't do anything for him either, they just sent us home. I cried when the nurse said they couldn't keep him there, she felt horrible but her hands were tied. He was not making threats to harm himself or other's so they sent us home.

I remember asking the unsympathetic doctor, what am I suppose to do with him, I have 3 kids to take care of? She acted as if she didn't know and she didn't care. I sat in that emergency room for 4 hours with a delusional husband and a 6 month old baby only to be sent back home . The nurses were afraid of him and they sat him in a room with a security guard sitting right outside and yet they had no problem sending him home with me.
I just didn't understand, if his hand was broken they would of fixed it?

The next few days were difficult, I wanted to leave but I was afraid of what he might do to himself all alone. I loved this man and I didn't want to see him commit suicide.
There came a point when I had to try to get him committed by going through the involuntary commit process. I was so afraid that he would hate me forever but I had to do it. He had himself barricaded inside the house. The police picked him up and I met him at the hospital. We sat in the E.R. for several hours while they ran some tests and waited for a psych consult. I left before they took him up to the psych floor , he was screaming at me telling me " I was not really his wife, I was an impostor". I couldn't take it anymore, I had 3 kids that needed me . I had to just put my faith in the doctors and nurses and go home. It broke my heart to leave him there alone but that is exactly where he needed to be and I needed a break.

He spent a total of 8 days in the hospital and when he came out he was 60 pounds heavier. They put him on Haldol and Zyprexa. He didn't return to work for 30 days. It couldn't of come at a worse time, Christmas! I sold everything I had of value to buy Christmas for the kids and we were quickly going into debt. During the next year he went through 5 different jobs. We ended up loosing our house and had to move in with in-laws until we got back on our feet. I applied for social security disability for him and he was approved. I guess in a way he was blessed to get this disorder later in life, he had paid enough into social security disability to qualify for full benefits.

Schizophrenia is such a debilitating illness, it completely disrupts your life. I felt like i had 4 kids to take care of. I started getting migraines every other day and still do have them frequently. I was constantly asked , why are you staying with him? Why don't you just leave him? My answer is always the same. For better or worse in sickness and in health. I love this man and I am proud of him for taking his medicine every day for us. It was a long road getting him to where he is now. He now understands he has an illness that requires him to take medicine everyday. The medication is so awful but the alternative is worse.

He is now 32 years old and takes Risperdol and geodon everyday. A few months ago he was also diagnosed with Tardive Dyskinesia, most likely caused by the Risperadol. He will probably have this T.D. for the rest of his life. When it comes to anti psychotic medication you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't! I pray for the day they come out with an anti psychotic medication that doesn't cause so many terrible side effects.

Looking back now I can clearly see the warning signs of psychosis coming on.
Not sleeping at night was a huge indicator.
Sitting and staring at the wall or at me. Sometimes it's as if he is looking right through me.
Uninterested in anything but his own thoughts.
Blank expressionless face.
Reading the bible. It's sounds so terrible to say but I actually get angry when I see him reading the bible, I just want to throw it in the garbage and say "stop it"

I know we will probably be dealing with this for the rest of our lives and I hope advances in medicine will help us along the way.
I often find myself educating people on schizophrenia, as soon as they hear the word they are afraid . I suppose that has a lot to do with negative news stories about " unmedicated" people with this illness. Not every schizophrenic is violent, they are more likely to harm themselves then someone else.
I know that the only reason my husband takes his horrible medication is for me and the boys. In return I do my best to support and take care of him.

Often times people with schizophrenia are simply forgotten about, their lack of social skills makes it difficult for people to connect with them. They are still your loved one they just happen to be ill and still need your love and support.

My heart goes out to all who are stricken with this illness and I commend anyone who helps take care of a schizophrenic family member.