Sci-Fi Channel's Monster Movies. I Love to Hate and Watch This Junk

Never before in television history has a TV network so consistently produced so many crappy movies about giant bugs, lizards, mammals, mythical creatures, natural disasters and pre-historic experiments gone awry as the Sci-Fi Channel.

Now don't get me wrong: I love the Sci-Fi Channel. Much of its scheduled programming is interesting and provocative, supported by clever scripts and good acting. Take shows like the '4400', 'Eureka', 'The Dresden Files', 'Mystery Science Theatre', 'Taken', 'Battlestar Galactica' and the many intelligent and exciting mini-series they've produced over the years. However the proliferation of Monster-of-the-week movies can only lead me to imagine that some of the writers and producers up at 'Sci-Fi' must have been tormented horribly in their younger years by a multitude of creepy crawlies, slithery reptiles, alien visitations and other funky variations of otherwise only slightly scary creatures. Just how many movies about giant snakes, fish and spiders do we really need? Doubtless the folks at 'Sci-Fi' would say 'A lot!' We have 'Python', 'Boa', 'Boa vs. Python', 'King Cobra', 'Komodo vs. Cobra', 'Snake King' & 'Mega Snake' for all those Ophidophobes amongst you. 'Ice-Spiders', 'Arachnid' and 'Webs' for the Arachnaphobes out there and for all the other animal-phobic TV audience we have films such as 'Snakehead Terror' (Killer Fish), 'Frankenfish' (More Killer Fish), 'Locusts the 8th Plague' and 'Mansquito'. We have Natural Disasters with oft repeated themes. Films like 'Atomic Twister', 'Tidal Wave - No Escape' or 'Solar Attack'. Then we have the pre-historic creatures come back to life flicks such as 'Attack of the Sabretooth', 'Pterodactyl' and 'Raptor Island'.

Anything and everything you've ever been slightly bothered by seems to be on the 'Sci-Fi' Channels short- list of things to exaggerate and turn into a disaster movie. If you have a phobia about any kind of animal be they real, imaginary or completely made up then you can be sure there's a 'Sci-Fi' movie made just for you. For any '....ism' you may be afflicted with then there's a movie made to hopefully freak you out. If for instance you are afraid to venture out-side your house then 'Solar Attack' could be just up your street to give you the heebie-jeebies. If you have an irrational fear of supernatural or mythical creatures like the Yeti or Chupcabra then 'Abominable' or 'Chupacabra: Dark Seas' will give you sleepless nights. If you are afraid the sky will fall on you like the cartoon 'Gaul's' from "Asterix" then films like 'Solar Attack' and 'Atomic Twister' will doubtless terrify you into non-coherence.

It is a wonder how many of these movies are getting made. The cheesy acting, awful early '90s CGI style graphics and predictable story-lines will have you scratching your head and wondering just who these people are who are pitching these very similar ideas and just how large their cumulative balls must be to continually offer up this crap as well as the mental-stability of the people at the 'Sci-Fi' channel who not only accept these ideas but actually sign papers to get these pictures made. However and against my better judgment, there is a certain child-like charm to some of these very 'B' (Hell, make that 'C' movies). Some are bizarrely entertaining in the same way some of those corny old Sci-Fi movies of the 50's were.

Are we expected to believe that people actually sit down at their typewriters and create scripts for this stuff, or do the filmmakers just make it up as they go along? I submit that all potential screenwriters out there should take heart from this multitude of crappy science fiction. If you are in fact an aspiring screenwriter you could do worse than imagine yourself a giant animal of some kind. Say 'Killer Poodles' and write a script around such. Don't forget to include 'Cold-War' military types with some insane agenda to create hybrid monster poodles that will be used to dry-hump terrorists to death in the deserts of Afghanistan. You'll need a sexy 20 something female biologist who can't quite fit into her figure-hugging biologist white-suit. You'll need to have a wise-cracking ex-marine type hero who's been pulled out of retirement and who will doubtless fall head-over-heals with the biggest-boobed biologist in the room. Don't forget a funny-guy with a dodgy hairdo who'll make light of the most devastating life-threatening situations and the token black guy who will be eaten approximately ½ ways into the movie just after having imparted a deeply heart-felt soliloquy to his best buddy. Don't forget certain phrases which should be included such as: 'What's that noise?', 'Did you hear that?' or 'Who's in charge here?' Perhaps a 'What have you done!!' or a 'Leave me' as well as ...... 'Don't leave me' may find a home here. In fact every and any corny phrase you can imagine will surely find its place in the next 'Sci-Fi' movie production.

Sometimes you find that you love to hate something so much that you can't help but watch. Certainly if I were 10 years old then the 'Sci-Fi' channel, with all its corny disaster/monster movies would be my TV nirvana.