Scrambled Eggs for Brains

Here are my humorous and helpful tips on how one can properly self-destruct and leave that good life behind. Whether you want to or not.

Find a Job That Promises No Stress

Sounds easy doesn't it? Being in middle-management, even in a small company, can suck the life right out of anyone. So do what I did and leave that stressful job behind. Trust the interviewer for the new job, that it is a wonderful company. Trust them when they tell you that the company is solvent and the boss is generous to a fault. Don't forget to ask if any major changes are coming in the future. Question if there will be more work than you can handle because no planning happens. Ask if the person who is leaving this new position knew what they were doing? Trust when you promised bonuses and incentives - do not question how and when they will be paid. Believe the employer when you are told that an extra day off here and there is no trouble - If your work is caught up. Don't do any research on the new company you are going to work for. If you take these steps you might end up behind the eight-ball before you even start the new job. Which is the plan right?

Give All That You Have and Then Some

Spend a week training with the person leaving the job - only to learn almost nothing. Trust that this person that just left did NOT know the job functions properly. Do focus on the fact that the company bills haven't been paid in nearly two months and there is no recognizable organization to be found. Turn to mush when you explain to your new boss that it is going to take abit longer than two weeks to straighten up the mess. Next work your fingers to the bone to get a system in place and the monthly bills on a schedule to be paid. Make sure you give a daily accounting of what you have been doing all this time since it seems you never do much around the office. Yeah that's right boss, the office fairies show up each night after the cleaning crew leaves.

Make Sure to Be Honest With Your Boss

Trust that honesty will make for a better working relationship with your new boss. So when it comes time to break the HIPAA act and explain you have a disease that may infrequently interfere with your job. Trust he or she will understand and have some compassion. Put up with the constant demands and demeaning behavior your new boss now displays toward only you. And whatever you do, do not take emergency time off when your mother has a stroke! Do sign that job contract under duress when forced to. Do not question your own sanity or the legality of it. Just roll with it - because it is a good job! Do not agree with co-workers, that you are suddenly treated differently. It might make you think you are off your rocker or a few donuts shy of a dozen.

Do Not Give Notice - Just Quit

After 2 1/2 years and trying to formally quit at least once before, hang up on your boss before you take the box cutter to your own neck. Tell your administrative assistant that you are quitting, NOW, and to let the boss knows just as he boards that plane to Europe. Pack your things and leave for the last time or so you think. We will get to that a little later. Do not question whether you made the right decision or not. Spend seven weeks looking for a new position during the holidays. Do not let depression become your newest best friend. Do borrow money from relatives for the short duration you believe you will be out of work. Do realize that the holidays slow everything down, which can hamper the income. Hmmmm, that box cutter is looking good to you again, but NO that doesn't solve things! You are intelligent and in demand, just ride the wave and you will make it to shore soon.

Question Your Intelligence When the Phone Rings

When the phone begins ringing off the hook and emails start coming in quicker than you imagined, question your intelligence. Do choose to go back to your former job. Trust that your new supervisor with the newly restructured company is not going to be the same as it was just mere weeks ago. Trust that the new job title and postion will be different and there will be less stress. Do not question why they hired another idiot when you left. Just go back and redo everything that was undone while you were gone with a smile. Do not curse when you find out that it only took one month to undo everything you had done in two and a half years. You betcha, jump right on it - oh and the check's in the mail honey!

Government Authority is There to Help You

When fraud becomes the latest tragedy to befall you, trust that your bank and the police are there to assist you. Know that sooner or later someone is going to help you recover your money, dignity and humility. Do file every report you can with every agency including your local bank branch, local police, local District Attorney, State Attorney General, local FBI and IC3. Wait with your evidence after taking several weeks to notify the entire World what your problem is. Publish an article online to, at the very least, warn others not to fall for the fraudlent job offer! Wait with your evidence after taking several weeks to notify the entire World what your problem is. Do let the worry eat you up from the inside out. Do rack your brain to fix things. Do curse, cry and get depressed when you finally discover that the rest of the World doesn't care, let alone want to help. It leads to the next successful step in your downward spiral.

Always Trust Your Superiors

Supervisors are titled that because they are superior to you. Trust that they know better than you, what is best for YOU. Trust that when you are having a bad day, your supervisor fully understands you. Especially if you are friends and your newest supervisor is sort of a mentor to you. Do go to work depressed, weepy and tired - since you haven't slept fully in a few days. You can't miss too much work on probation, so do your work mechanically while you weep silently in your own office. Do make the inane statement: Some days you just don't feel like living. Who else hasn't said this, right? Remember those hangovers? Do not go home because you know you need sleep and to think calmly. Do follow instructions when your supervisor offers to take you to see someone to help you get over the depression and get new medications. Trust that your supervisor knows it is best for you at the Psychiatric hospital. Uh wait....Are you suicidal? - was never on the pop quiz. Neither was: Are you overly tired and stressed out? Best to ask if you can re-take that pop quiz!

You Become the Football - Not the Quarterback

Once you are handed off from your superior into the system there is no going back. Do question everyone you come into contact with, but it's best not to be disappointed. You will not receive any answers. Trust that you have suddenly become the football in the game of life and are no longer the quarterback. Wait...when did that happen? Know that nurses are smarter than you even if they only just met you and spend 10 minutes with you. Trust that the nurse believes you are suicidal because you are in a trance like state and weepy. Once again get on your surfboard and go with the wave. You won't win against a nurse. Do not try to explain that you know what hypo-monic (sic) is and that you are simply tired and stressed out. The battle of intelligence is more an uphill conflict with the system. Especially if you understand your disease and know your medical terminology.

Fighting Your Way Out of the Wet Papersack

Ativan, Haldol, Seroquel, Visteril, Effexor, Klonepin and Geodon are powerful drugs. They can and will make you feel like you are trapped inside a wet papersack. Trust that you will lose track of time, days, up, down and your sanity. Okay maybe not the last part, but the rest is scrambled eggs for brains. Do insist that you see a Psychiatrist and do not be surprised when you see another nurse instead. Trust that the nurse thinks that you need these mind bending psychotropics. No kidding, she has a book to tell her so too! So as you are fighting your way out of the sack, try not to think how best to keep your job and your sanity.

Begging as a Way of Life

By now you no longer have a job, any money left because of the defrauding and little brains. Remember they are scrambled eggs now. You should owe your entire family in the thousand's and will not be receiving your unemployment most likely because of your trust in your former supervisor. You are remanded to the mental health system and have no truthful way to explain why you were fired from your last position to new employers in your field. You might not have much trust left in the Justice system let alone your bank any longer. What's left? Oh yeah, well hey they always need good people at Mickey D's or perhaps Walmart and there is always bankruptcy. Although if you are like me you will have no experience in these fields and too well overqualified.

Next topic will be Pan-Handling 101. Hey Buddy, got $20 to spare?

DISCLAIMER: This is a humor piece and reflects no one but me. No pan-handlers were injured in anyway during the writing of this article.