Screw You, John Mellencamp!

John Mellencamp performed his new single, "Our Country," before Game 2 of the World Series on Sunday night. Let me explain why this perturbed me to the point of gouging my eyes out with a pool cue. Mellencamp arrived on the baseball diamond three minutes after being introduced. He didn't seem to be in a hurry. Sure, he was holding up the World Series, but he's John Mellencamp! He's a god! All of the kids listen to him. You can't go to a skateboarding park without hearing "Pink Houses" or "Jack and Diane" reverberating from the boombox of some teenaged ruffian.

If you have yet to hear Mellencamp's new single, you must not watch television. The patriotic number is used in a Chevrolet ad that runs every 4-5 seconds. I know the song by heart now, and even if I liked it (which I don't), I would still be sick of it. It panders to Toby Keith fans who think that driving a pick-up truck with an American flag plastered on the exterior makes you more patriotic than, say, everyone else on the planet. Freedom is trendy. If John Mellencamp needs anything right now, it's a trend to latch onto. He hasn't had a true hit in a decade. Remember his cover of "Wild Night" with that bald chick who kind of resembles Kareem Abdul Jabbar? No one else does either.

Mellencamp tried putting midgets in his music videos, but that didn't work. By the way, what's the correlation between John Mellencamp and midgets? He has had two depressing videos that featured midgets. They were supposed to be stark social commentaries on discrimination, but my only reaction to these works of art (I couldn't type that with a straight face) was, "Wow, this is a depressing video. Look, midgets!" Baleful ditties about dwarfism don't sell, so Mellencamp is going back to his all-American roots. Blue jeans, feelgood lyrics, generic pop/country hooks…he's got a hit on his hands.

There's also something on his face, what with all of the fellating he's been doing at business meetings. Patriotism is only sincere when a corporation is profiting off of it. How could John Mellencamp be an American singer/songwriter without partnering up with Chevrolet? Toby Keith is a Ford whore. It should be interesting to see which patriotic prostitute sells more albums from here on out. Yep, this is our country.

I leave you with the profound lyrics of "Our Country."

Well I can stand beside

Ideals I think are right

And I can stand beside

The idea to stand and fight

And I do believe

There's a dream for everyone

This is our country

There's room enough here

For science to live

And there's room enough here

For religion to forgive

And try to understand

All the people of this land

This is our country

From the east coast

To the west coast (I just realized that this is a "gangsta rap" song)

Down the Dixie Highway

Back home

This is our country

That poverty could be

Just another ugly thing

And bigotry would be

Seen only as obscene

And the ones that run this land

Help the poor and common man (like John Mellencamp)

This is our country

The dream is still alive

Some day it will come true

And this country it belongs

To folks like me and you

So let the voice of freedom

Sing out through this land

This is our country

Now buy my new album, bitch

Or I'll move to (okay, I added that part)