Scrub, Peel, Rinse, Slice, Boil, Drain, Mash

I love mashed potatoes but I don't believe something as everyday ordinary as they are should be so much work. First you have to scrub the dirt off so you can peel them. And yes there are some people who include the peels but it's more widely accepted that you peel them. Have you ever got one of those ultra knobby potatoes? You try to peel the crease and end up peeling away a third of the potato in the process? Don't you love trying to do it quickly only to peel a little round flap off your thumb knuckle? That's a nice addition to the plate don't you think? It always tastes better when you give it your blood, skin, and tears.

Once they are peeled you notice the dirt trapped in those crevices you spent an hour trying to peel is now all over the potatoes so it's ack to the sink for a quick rinse before slicing. Now for the complex math portion of mashed potatoes: How long do you have before the rest of your meal is done? Should you have started the boiling process thirty minutes ago? If so you now have to do some geometry and extrapolate boiling time per square inch to determine the size of your potato pieces if you want them to make the table with the rest of the meal.

Let's pretend you passed the math quiz and you're ready to drain off the water. Which school do you belong to? Do you use the pan cover to create a sieve leaving you with the potatoes and a little water or do you drop them in a strainer leaving no water at all? Do you save some of the water for later incorporation?

Now you have to decide how much butter to add. Some add only butter, lots and lots of butter. Most add butter and some other dairy product i.e. milk, half and half, or cream. Some people add the saved water to aid in the mashing and cut calories. What you'll never know is just how much you should add. It's a real sticking point. If you undershoot the first time you'll have to add something in later. Then you run the risk of overshooting which is also a possibility in the first place. No matter when it happens it means putting them back over the heat and nursing them every second as you try to steam out the excess wet without burning them.

What is the right mashing implement? Restaurants use ricers. Some people use a grated masher that has lots of ¼" squares, it was the bane of my existence when I had to wash dishes. Some people use a fork, some a mixer and others a whisk. It's a textural preference I guess. I prefer a texture as far from wallpaper paste as possible.

It's mashed potatoes people! They're a side dish and usually a bland one at that! Are they really worth all the effort? But hey! Good news! Ore Ida feels your pain! If you haven't seen the commercial let me fill you in! It's the most exciting thing since tater tots! Ore Ida now sells a bag of perfectly peeled and sliced potatoes in your grocer's freezer section! No more gloppy pile of wet peels! No more advanced math! No peeling injuries! They come in a microwaveable bag! Nuke them as prescribed and toss them in a bowl with your choice of liquid for smashing. Being that they are measured and weighed before going in the bag I'm willing to bet they tell you just how much liquid to add!

Don't we already have instant mashed potato powders and flakes made through the miracle of dehydration? The presumption is that these flash frozen potato bits will make your mashed potatoes taste more like mom's, unless your mom makes the dehydrated ones in the first place. I have a trick to making my own that doesn't involve a fuzzy time consuming injurious mess so I won't be trying these anytime soon but I thought it was noteworthy that something we already divined into it's simplest dehydrated form to make it more convenient has now been improved upon and the improvement was to make it more like nature made it in the first place!