Sears, Ezzo or Instinct: Who's Parenting Philosophy Do You Trust?
A quick web search on parenting advice will turn up more "experts" than most of us care to imagine. Dr. Sears and his wife, Martha; Gary Ezzo; and myriad random doctors affiliated with websites like BabyCenter, iParenting, ParentSoup and ParentStages, all prepared to tell parents what is best for their children. Who do you trust?
Dr. William Sears/Attachment Parenting:
When I began my pregnancy, Dr. Sears and his "attachment parenting" theory sounded like music to my ears. He encourages new parents to birth naturally, breastfeed, co-sleep, wear their babies in slings, and use positive discipline to correct improper behaviors. The end result of attachment parenting is, ideally, a child who feels secure in his/her family and has a trusting relationship with his/her parents.
Once I became attached to the concept of attachment parenting, I purchased The Birth Book, written by Dr. and Mrs. Sears. I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, and I was planning to have the most natural hospital birth possible. For my $12.95 plus tax, I expected to be informed, inspired, and confident that I could handle the coming events. Instead, my faith in the good doctor and his theory was shattered.
Within the first few pages of The Birth Book, Sears describes his family and explains how proud he was to be party to the births of his eight children - including the last, a baby girl he and his wife adopted. In other words, this guru of bonding, promoter of all things natural, had no qualms about interfering with the critical mother/infant relationship that he himself recognizes to begin well before birth. His hyprocritical highness saw no harm in breaking the bond between a mother and her newborn, even though doing such a thing goes directly against his advice to expectant parents.
While I still believe strongly in the benefits associated with breastfeeding, natural child-birth, slings, and positive discipline, I do not believe that Dr. Sears deserves the respect he has been given by a large segment of the parenting community. His hypocritical actions have rendered his advice meaningless to myself and other concerned parents.
Gary Ezzo/BabyWise:
Recently achieving popularity as a parenting "expert," Gary Ezzo has sold more than one million copies of his book, On Becoming Babywise, and has released a series of additional guides for parents coping with toddlers, school-aged children, preteens, and teenagers. Though Ezzo writes with the assistance of a doctor, he is neither a doctor nor a parent himself.
The Babywise theory of parenting easily hooks new mothers and fathers by promising them that their infant can be trained to sleep through the night by eight weeks of age. Ezzo promotes the belief that it is healthy for newborns to cry as they learn to comfort themselves, and he maintains a staunch belief against feeding on demand (contrary to the advice of La Leche League International and the American Academy of Pediatrics). At the heart of Ezzo's theory is the notion that even small babies are capable of manipulative behavior and therefore require their parents to set a firm schedule for feeding and sleep. Like the proponents of attachment parenting, Ezzo believes that children raised using his methods will grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.
It's not difficult to see why Babywise is a popular concept - most new parents dream of the day when their children will sleep through the night, and many have a rough time adjusting to the unpredictability that goes hand-in-hand with infancy. However, parents should be cautioned that Ezzo's methods have had disastrous results; the parent-directed feeding schedule Babywise demands has lead to a breakdown of the breastfeeding relationship (resulting in the need to supplement with formula or give up altogether), failure to thrive, and even death.
I believe that Ezzo's advice is unnatural: new parents are biologically wired to respond to their infant's cries, and failure to provide for their infants physical and emotional needs will only result in long-term health and psychological problems for all involved. If getting a better night's sleep means raising a generation of "Stepford Children," I'll pass.
So, Who Do You Trust?
If doctors lie, and other "experts" advise arguably dangerous methods for child-rearing, who can you trust?
Trust Mother Nature, and trust yourself. As a new mother (or father), you have been biologically instilled with the knowledge required to make the best decisions for your own child. Follow your instincts. While there is nothing wrong with seeking advice from doctors and fellow parents, you should never allow so-called experts to make choices for your children. If the pediatrician suggests something that makes you feel uncomfortable, don't feel obligated to follow her advice. You are the expert when it comes to your own children.
The best example I can give is my daughter. At nearly 2 1/2 years old, she has been reared by the only experts she needs: her father and me. We know her as deeply as we know ourselves, and we believe that our connection as a family has given us all the knowledge we need to know what is best for her. Thus far, she is the picture of health and happiness, security and self-esteem. Neither Ezzo nor Sears could do better.
Dr. William Sears/Attachment Parenting:
When I began my pregnancy, Dr. Sears and his "attachment parenting" theory sounded like music to my ears. He encourages new parents to birth naturally, breastfeed, co-sleep, wear their babies in slings, and use positive discipline to correct improper behaviors. The end result of attachment parenting is, ideally, a child who feels secure in his/her family and has a trusting relationship with his/her parents.
Once I became attached to the concept of attachment parenting, I purchased The Birth Book, written by Dr. and Mrs. Sears. I was nearing the end of my pregnancy, and I was planning to have the most natural hospital birth possible. For my $12.95 plus tax, I expected to be informed, inspired, and confident that I could handle the coming events. Instead, my faith in the good doctor and his theory was shattered.
Within the first few pages of The Birth Book, Sears describes his family and explains how proud he was to be party to the births of his eight children - including the last, a baby girl he and his wife adopted. In other words, this guru of bonding, promoter of all things natural, had no qualms about interfering with the critical mother/infant relationship that he himself recognizes to begin well before birth. His hyprocritical highness saw no harm in breaking the bond between a mother and her newborn, even though doing such a thing goes directly against his advice to expectant parents.
While I still believe strongly in the benefits associated with breastfeeding, natural child-birth, slings, and positive discipline, I do not believe that Dr. Sears deserves the respect he has been given by a large segment of the parenting community. His hypocritical actions have rendered his advice meaningless to myself and other concerned parents.
Gary Ezzo/BabyWise:
Recently achieving popularity as a parenting "expert," Gary Ezzo has sold more than one million copies of his book, On Becoming Babywise, and has released a series of additional guides for parents coping with toddlers, school-aged children, preteens, and teenagers. Though Ezzo writes with the assistance of a doctor, he is neither a doctor nor a parent himself.
The Babywise theory of parenting easily hooks new mothers and fathers by promising them that their infant can be trained to sleep through the night by eight weeks of age. Ezzo promotes the belief that it is healthy for newborns to cry as they learn to comfort themselves, and he maintains a staunch belief against feeding on demand (contrary to the advice of La Leche League International and the American Academy of Pediatrics). At the heart of Ezzo's theory is the notion that even small babies are capable of manipulative behavior and therefore require their parents to set a firm schedule for feeding and sleep. Like the proponents of attachment parenting, Ezzo believes that children raised using his methods will grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.
It's not difficult to see why Babywise is a popular concept - most new parents dream of the day when their children will sleep through the night, and many have a rough time adjusting to the unpredictability that goes hand-in-hand with infancy. However, parents should be cautioned that Ezzo's methods have had disastrous results; the parent-directed feeding schedule Babywise demands has lead to a breakdown of the breastfeeding relationship (resulting in the need to supplement with formula or give up altogether), failure to thrive, and even death.
I believe that Ezzo's advice is unnatural: new parents are biologically wired to respond to their infant's cries, and failure to provide for their infants physical and emotional needs will only result in long-term health and psychological problems for all involved. If getting a better night's sleep means raising a generation of "Stepford Children," I'll pass.
So, Who Do You Trust?
If doctors lie, and other "experts" advise arguably dangerous methods for child-rearing, who can you trust?
Trust Mother Nature, and trust yourself. As a new mother (or father), you have been biologically instilled with the knowledge required to make the best decisions for your own child. Follow your instincts. While there is nothing wrong with seeking advice from doctors and fellow parents, you should never allow so-called experts to make choices for your children. If the pediatrician suggests something that makes you feel uncomfortable, don't feel obligated to follow her advice. You are the expert when it comes to your own children.
The best example I can give is my daughter. At nearly 2 1/2 years old, she has been reared by the only experts she needs: her father and me. We know her as deeply as we know ourselves, and we believe that our connection as a family has given us all the knowledge we need to know what is best for her. Thus far, she is the picture of health and happiness, security and self-esteem. Neither Ezzo nor Sears could do better.
Published by Jessica DelBalzo
I am a mother, writer and activist from Flemington, New Jersey. My writing has been published by Clamor, Eclectica and many local and not-so-local newspapers. View profile
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13 Comments
Post a CommentI firmly agree with you that mothers should trust their instincts over the professionals (in most cirumstances). Every new mother should view a historical account of the changes in child psychology over the centuries. Mothers have confidence in yourself, and listen to advice, but don't heed what doesn't rest naturally with you. I can not comprehend how someone can advise someone to NOT rock a baby to sleep, or to let a baby cry themselves to sleep, or to lock a child in a room so they "learn" to fall asleep. (Not necessarily the "experts" you mention.) I am so glad that after my first I had the confidence not to follow experts advice. Now that most of them are grown, I can look back and see that we had, and still have, a very loving relationship. New mothers - follow your hearts. There's a lot of misinformation out there. I'm glad this writer is trying to spread the word that it's okay NOT to follow experts. I hope to do the same.
Wow. Has anyone here ever read what the Ezzo's teach for themselves? Or is this all going off hearsay? Becuase they absolutely do NOT teach that parents should not respond to their child's cry. They absolutely teach that you always respond to their cry, but that does not always mean feeding them. Babies cry for a lot of reasons, not just hunger. Feeding on demand teaches that every single time your baby cries, they should be comforted with a boob or a bottle. That just does not make sense!
The Ezzos also do not teach that you feed your baby strictly by the clock. They specifically say in their book that The Clock + Parental Discernment determines feeding time. Which means that, in general, you need to feed a newborn every 3 hours. So they say you should NEVER go longer than 3 hours in the beginning (even during the night, if you are establishing a milk supply, you should never let your newborn go more than 3 hours in the first few weeks). But if your baby is crying and yo
actually , the ezzos DO have children.
In 20 years of practicing Lactation Consulting, I have never seen an actual case of milk drying up "overnight." I have heard women tell me this has happened, and within 2 days most of them call me in despair, crying that they need "a pump to get this milk out, or something to dry this crap up." So, how, if they are massively engorged, did their milk dry up "overnight?"
One client whom I saw, I assumed would be elated, when her Mom hired me to help her (I didn't know this until later) and the baby transferred more than 4 oz in only a few minutes. I glanced at her, while I was doing the weigh, and she had a look on her face that looked like she just bit into a lemon. I assumed she was exhausted from being up with a newborn baby, stressed about her fears that "she didn't have enough milk" ect. She was assured that she not only had PLENTY of milk, but the baby LOVED to nurse, and that she was getting plenty via breastfeeding. The baby's grand mother was in tears, as she had breastfed h
We are a babywise family and we love it. And we are wonderful parents for it. Don't knock it until you have read it.
I find it totally disturbing that you are so offended by the "unnatural" practice of adoption. I do not see how adopting a child makes Dr. Sears a hypocrite or worthy of less respect. If anything, I respect him more. And if you are so fond of following your own instincts, than lay off of others' choice to follow theirs. My instinct was to get an epidural and follow some of Mr. Ezzo's advice, though not all.
For someone who thinks she's mastered the art of parenting, you've got a lot of growing up to do.
*hugs* I am so sorry that was your experience. You can find sleep when you have to feed your baby every hour...by learning to sleep while the baby nurses and when the baby sleeps. There are plenty of parents whose babies eat that often who still manage to pee, eat, and sleep. I did it for quite a while. I agree with you: a balance could have helped more. I understand you were sleep-deprived; I've been there, you have no idea, lol. I really think if you had more support, people helping you with housework and baby care, etc., things could have been a lot better. I hope that if you have another child you have that support. It can be so helpful. I didn't have much at all so really I understand where you are coming from. Build a support system, and try to learn from other new moms, tips how to get it all done and get some shuteye. :)
Heather, I wrote "switch on" not "switch to". This means I had to go buy formula one night because my breasts just stopped producing milk. My lactation just stopped, with no warning. I fed baby Arianna as usual and at the next feeding time there was nothing in any of my breasts... so hubby had to go search for formula like a bat out of hell, way past midnight. Arianna was crying with hunger, I was crying in despair and the next day I waited in vain for milk to sprinkle out as it used to... my doctor said it was very unusual, asked if I took any pills or ate anything unusual, but we couldn't find anything that could have been the culprit... except for tremendous exhaustion and lack of sleep. So... well, maybe a balance could have helped more... But how can one find those hours of sleep when she has to feed her baby every hour and do other stuff during the short break, like going to the bathroom, eat something, change diapers, prepare baby bath, wash baby clothes and so on...?
I'm an attachment parent, and I have time to myself. You can want time to yourself, but failing to give your child the benefits of something like breastfeeding for "time to yourself" is selfish. It's not always wrong to be selfish, and parents can't always be 100% selfless. However it IS possible to get enough sleep AND be an attachment parent, and to have time to yourself as an attachment parent. Exhaustion & sleep-deprivation aren't always part of the deal, and there are ways to deal with that and minimize it besides switching to formula or plopping your child down in a crib until she cries herself to sleep. Sleep loss and hard work are part of being a parent...but you can still be a healthy, happy person WHILE giving your child the loving benefits of breastfeeding, cosleeping, and other staples of AP.
Maggie, what's so wrong with wanting "time to myself" to use for sleep? Nah, if you can live on 4 half hours of sleep a day, be my guest, lucky you, but I can't. As a lactation consultant that you are, you should know that exhaustion and sleep deprivation can stop lactation and - yes - this has happened to me. Sadly, I had to switch on formula due to this "feeding on demand" rage. I need at least five hours of sleep in a row - that's some "time to myself" that I really need.