Sears' Service: How Can I Not Help You Today?

When customers come to the store to buy an appliance, make sure that they do not get any help. If a customer asks you for help, tell them you work in a different department. If they ask you to get someone to help them, just tell them you are on your lunch break.

Could this be Sears Service and Repair Policy and Procedure #2?

Whatever appliance the customer picks out, just tell them that the appliance is not in stock and will take a week to have delivered. If they decide to pick out a different one, tell them it will take two weeks. If they want a gas dryer, order electric. If they want the door to open on the right, make sure you order it to open on the left. Before they leave, be sure to high-pressure them into buying an expensive maintenance agreement for all the repairs their going to need!

Could this be Sears Service and Repair Policy and Procedure #3?

When the appliance is being delivered, try to force it into a doorway that is too small. If the doorway is large enough, pretend like it isn't and graze the paint of the wall with the appliance. It is imperative to scratch either the appliance or the wall at some point in the delivery. When they protest, just tell them you don't speak any English. If they ask you to set up the appliance, tell them something is wrong with their plumbing or outlet. If they ask you to be more specific, simply tell them that you don't speak English and leave.

Could this be Sears Service and Repair Policy and Procedure #4?

When the customer calls the 1-800 for service let them listen to recorded ads for a good long time. When you do answer the phone, tell them that they have called the wrong department and will need to be transferred. It is important to our business to make sure each customer is transferred around several times.

Could this be Sears Service and Repair Policy and Procedure #5?

When you are finally forced to schedule the appointment, make sure you schedule them at least a week out. Exception to this is if they have an AC unit that is broken in the middle of summer, in this case you would need to schedule them at least two weeks out. Only offer 8am to 5pm timeframes, and tell them if they miss one call from us that day the appointment will be cancelled. If customer gets snippy saying they must have 8-12 or 1-5 let them know you will request that. If they ask for morning, request 1-5. If they ask for afternoon, request 8-12.

Could this be Sears Service and Repair Policy and Procedure #6?

As a rule, technicians will only carry the most commonly used parts in the service van. It is important to remember that whatever the customer needs is an uncommon part. Tell the customer that you will have to ship them the part because there are no parts in local area. A different technician will be assigned for the follow up. When the second technician comes out, it is important that he tell the customer that the first technician didn't know what he was talking about. Tell the customer you will need to order a different part and apologize for the first technician being such an idiot. Schedule the customer for a follow up visit between 8-5 and then just never call or show up.

Could this be Sears Service and Repair Policy and Procedure #7?

When they call back to complain you should say in monotone, "I'm sorry, that must be very frustrating for you." If they are not satisfied with that, just delete the file and go on to help the next lucky customer!