Second Marriage Blended Families: What You Should Know Before You Say "I Do" Again

People are built for companionship and families with two parents are the best place to raise children, all things considered. However, if you are about to embark on a second marriage which will involve blending step-children and step-parents, there are a few things you should know before you say 'I Do' for a second time or you might find yourself saying, 'oh no!' sooner than you think.

All We Need is Love - Well, Not Exactly

Be Realistic - Every newlywed couple enters the union of matrimony in the glow of romantic love, buoyed by their dreams and expectations of happily ever after. Second marriages are no exception. In fact, in a second marriage, your expectations may even be higher if you think you've righted the wrongs of your first failed marriage and finally found 'the one for you.'

While these feelings are nice and dreams can definitely make our future seem brighter, it doesn't take long before the luster of romantic love begins to fade and the not so romantic reality of living with another person sets in. If you are bringing children into your new marriage, that luster will tarnish faster than you can say, "blending families is tough."

It's important that you have a realistic view and expectations of what will lie ahead. If you are living with the delusion that all you need is love for your new family to work perfectly, you will find yourself disillusioned when the inevitable struggles and difficulties of blending a step family together arise.

Yes, love will carry you through many trials and tribulations together. But, If you are not prepared for the inevitable conflicts that arise with blended families, you may find that your solid foundation of everlasting love will shift and buckle under the pressure.

You Might Be in Love - But, You're Kids Aren't

Consider Your Kid's Feelings - One of the tough things about being a child is that they rarely have much say in the decisions their parents make. But, they have to live with those decisions nonetheless . So, while you may think your new significant other is the bees knees, your kids may not.

They may, in fact, harbor deep resentment toward the new step-parent and blended family. They may be suspicious that the new step-parent is trying to replace their other parent. Furthermore, they could very well be grieving deeply the loss of their original family unit and think that the new spouse is the reason it happened.

They may think the new step-siblings are being treated better than they are. Or worse, they may not even like their new step-siblings; yet, they are expected to accept them as family.

While there is some measure of the truth to the adage, 'kids are resilient', unless they are an infant when you remarry, chances are they will come to the union loaded with confusing and conflicting emotions they do not know how to appropriately express.

Be prepared for issues to arise that you may not have known existed prior to the union. In fact, don't be surprised if they save it and give it to you all at once - as their own special wedding gift.

You're Not My Mommy (or Daddy)

Do not Force Relationships with Your Step-children - When country singer, Vince Gill and Christian artist, Amy Grant got married 10 years ago and blended their families, Vince Gill wisely said, "All those kids had a lot of feelings. They were confused. They were angry. I just felt like we should love them through it all and just be there for them all the time."

If all new step-parents could enter into the blended family dynamics with this awareness, there would be a lot less difficulties. Because, frankly, one of the biggest mistakes that many new step-parents make is that they attempt to assume the role of authority figure and parent in the lives of their step-children too soon.

Depending on the age of the child when the second marriage occurred, you may be decades behind the parental power curve when you step into that role. Meaning: You are not the mommy (or the daddy) in their eyes.

Pushing your way into the role of authority figure may not only alienate your step-children, but your new spouse as well. So, take a tip from Vince Gill and take a step back, if you will, and allow the relationship to unfold naturally, without pressure.

If you establish respectful boundaries with your step-children by communicating to them early on that you have no intentions of replacing their other parent, you stand a much better chance of bonding with them over the long term.

When Will the New Normal Feel Normal?

Be Willing to Give the Blended Family Time to Blend - It takes approximately 7 to 10 years before blended families begin to feel normal and like family.

During those years you will undoubtedly experience many ups and downs. It's important to allow the necessary time for the family to blend and bond. If you place too much pressure on relationships or have unrealistic expectations in terms of how much time it should take, you will only make a difficult situation worse.

Try to remember that, statistically, the odds are against second marriages and blended families. In order to make it work, you will need an unflinching commitment and a willingness to endure what can be very difficult and trying times. But, if you can, you can be counted among the many couples that are able to defy the odds and successfully blend their families together.

Sources:

Focus on Family.com
Associated Content
Personal Experience