Secondary Infertility: How to Help a Friend Cope

One of the loneliest battles as woman faces is secondary infertility or the inability to become pregnant following the birth of one or more children. Nearly 6 million women in the United States are suffering from diagnosed infertility and many of those women are suffering secondary infertility. (Dr. Donnica Moore, M.D.) So how does one help a friend or family member cope with this overwhelming diagnosis?

Be Sensitive. People do not mean to be insensitive on purpose so you may not realize what hurts a secondary infertility sufferer. Obviously you cannot control how a person interprets your words, but perhaps, by being aware of how some things affect a secondary infertility sufferer, you can avoid what could potentially hurt.

Don't use platitudes or clichés. "At least you have your son/daughter," is upsetting because it means (to the sufferer) that they shouldn't desire to have another child. It invalidates her feelings and she will be more likely to hold in her thoughts. As one who deals with secondary infertility, I know I'm grateful for my one child and that some women don't even have one child. But my desire for another child shouldn't be dismissed just because I can't conceive.

Another cliché that is very painful is, "relax, then you'll get pregnant." Advice like this hurts because it implies we aren't doing something right. If we were relaxing, then of course we'd have a child. One of the biggest myths in pregnancy is that you need to relax. While it may helpful in some ways, the act of conception is not reliant on relaxation.

Encourage your friend. Encourage her by your actions, especially if you cannot find the right words. Most times (as with any problem) friends need friends to listen. Allow your friend to vent and validate her feelings by listening. Secondary infertility sufferers rarely talk about it because they feel guilty over so many things, such as knowing there are women who can't have even one child.

Send a note. Something as simple as, "I'm thinking about you," or "I'm praying with you," can make a world of difference in your friend's life. Knowing you care means more to a sufferer than you'll realize.

Don't evade. So what happens when you become pregnant while your friend is still trying? Don't avoid telling her. Secondary infertility sufferers don't need to be protected from the realities. Allow her the privilege of sharing in your joy. While it may be a little difficult as she struggles with the "why not me?" issues, she will return the listening ear favor.

By offering your support and love, your friend will have a safe haven during this difficult time. And speaking personally, I know she will be very grateful!