Secondary Infertility: The Silent Suffering

Everyone grieves with the woman who cannot conceive her first child. Everyone is blessed by the birth of a child. But what happens when you fall somewhere in between? Secondary infertility is defined as a woman's inability to become pregnant following the birth of one or more children. And it is one of the loneliest battles a woman can face. Below I have listed a few problems that secondary infertility sufferers deal with and a few possible solutions:

The Problems

Guilt is the first and probably most powerful feeling you will face in dealing with secondary infertility. And guilt keeps you silent. Personally, I still struggle with this. I have one beautiful, sweet daughter but I long for another child. I don't want to sound insensitive to friends who are struggling with primary infertility so I remain silent. There is guilt over not being able to be a "woman" by getting pregnant. (A silly and seemingly antiquated notion, I know, but it's still there.) I have guilt that I can't give my daughter a sibling.

Guilt, as I mentioned before, leads to silence. But there other reasons secondary infertility sufferers remain silent. Dealing with unwanted but well-meaning advice is another reason we stay quiet. Once people discover you are having difficulties conceiving, you will get an amazing amount of advice. Most of it is very well-meaning but it hurts, doesn't it? "Just relax and it will happen," is the least helpful, in my opinion. We already understand that something isn't working and advice on what we're doing wrong tends to rub salt in the wound.

The Solutions

So if guilt and dealing with unwanted advice leads us to silence, what help is there for those with secondary infertility? Unfortunately, there is no easy answer. Talking about it would be helpful. If you can find a good friend or confide in your spouse, then talk about it. Your feelings are valid. No one can tell you that you shouldn't feel bad because you already have a child. No one can stop that yearning for another baby and it is just as heartbreaking as dealing with primary infertility. I know because I suffered both primary and secondary infertility.

Obviously, the larger issue is not being able to conceive. So what are the options? Before you head to a reproductive endocrinologist, make sure you are doing all you can. If you're anything like me, you already know the ins and outs of your body. But if you aren't sure exactly when your fertile time is, try ovulation kits or use the Fertility Awareness Method described in Toni Weschler's book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility.

If you have been having unprotected intercourse for more than a year without pregnancy, it is time to see the doctor. The doctor can begin testing to find the cause. For some women, secondary infertility is a medically fixable condition. It could be blockage in the fallopian tubes which is easily detected and fixed by an HSG test. It could also be your male partner's problem so be sure to ask for testing on his sperm.

However, many women who suffer secondary infertility do so without knowing the cause. After a few tests, I have the diagnosis of unexplained infertility...the same diagnosis given to me prior to my daughter's conception. My husband and I are exploring our options but the hurt doesn't go away. I'm thankful to have friends in my life who understand my situation but it is a lonely battle. Take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to grieve. Your feelings are just as valid as anyone suffering a loss. But don't let it consume your life. Seek help and talk about it. It takes a very strong woman to deal with this and I wish for you the very best!