Secondary Losses when Relationships End

No matter how bad a relationship gets, when it ends, you still feel the loss as poignantly as if the relationship had been perfect in all regards. This is normal, believe it or not, because humans are creatures of habit. When relationships end - even bad relationships - we feel the loss on several fronts.

Relationships are not just about feelings shared between two people; they're also about rituals, which become ingrained in our minds. Think about your last relationship. Did you have a standing Friday night date at a favorite restaurant? Did you call each other at the same time every night? Did you share household chores, have a favorite sport or hobby, or sleep in a certain way every night?

These rituals become a part of our lives, and when bad relationships end, those rituals end as well. It isn't strange to mourn the rituals even more than the loss of your significant other, especially if he or she was abusive. These secondary losses can be surprisingly painful, even when the relationship wasn't healthy.

Secondary Losses #1. Interdependency

Relationships, no matter what the quality, result in different levels of interdependency. You learn to depend on your significant other for love, support, and a host of other benefits. When relationships end and you no longer have that other person to whom you used to run, you might feel as though you have lost your other half.

Secondary Losses #2. The Future

Most couples make plans for the future, be it purchasing a new house or taking a long vacation. Some couples even have five-year plans! When that relationship ends, your plans for the future go up in smoke. You have to remember, however, that you will build a new future with someone else, and you still have your own future to look forward to.

Secondary Losses #3. Extended Family

I don't know about you, but I always get involved with the family members of my significant other. We go to the zoo, have dinner together, talk on the phone and share life's troubles. When a relationship ends, you invariably lose touch with the family members to whom you have grown close. With bad relationships in particular, however, this can be a good thing. Cutting ties entirely will ensure a fresh start.

Secondary Losses #4. Possessions

In almost any long-term relationship, you tend to accrue different things together. Perhaps you jointly purchased a living room set, a vehicle or even a pet. When the relationship ends, you must divide your possessions in whatever way you see fit. The loss of those items you've accrued together can be felt as strongly as the loss of the person, but it will help you to move on.

No matter the secondary losses that occur when you leave a bad relationship, you have to know that things will get better, and that you will form a new life now that the bad relationship has finally ended. Take the perspective of a fresh beginning, rather than focusing on all that you might have lost.