Secret Government Agency Can Read Minds of Americans

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Washington, DC

August 18,2011

The Federal Government's super-secret Department Of New Technological Triumphs Heretofore Inconceivable Now Known and Immediately Tracked. (DON'T-THINK-IT) has long been suspected by people quickly written off as imaginative if not paranoid 'conspiracy theorists.'

This past week, a whistle-blower who had occupied a high position within this Top Secret agency, has come forward to validate out worse fears and to caution us about the direction some arms of our own government are beginning to take without any regulation or Congressional oversight. Hamsun Gregor, Senior Technical Adviser to the (unnamed) Chief of the DON'T-THINK-IT, for reasons currently not yet publicly revealed, has come forward to make the following announcement via a press release circulated to the world's major news outlets. To date, only FOX news has not acknowledged receipt of the following release:

" Chronologically, 1984 has been and gone. Phenomenalogically, it is upon us. Using technology first explored by the regime of the National Socialists in Germany in the 1930's, scientists working for a Top Secret agency headquartered in Council Bluffs, Iowa, known internally by it's ironic acronym, "Don't Think It" have succeeded in perfecting the hard and software that makes it possible for them to read anyone's mind at any time.

As difficult as this may be to believe, it is the case. Because of the total secrecy surrounding the project (which has been funded by a combination of misdirected government monies and private investments) there have not yet been written or openly proposed laws against 'crime thoughts.' However, now that this technology is up and running, it is predictable that such Cerebral Penal Codes (CPCs) cannot be far behind. The situation is currently under study at the Justice Department.

As he was leaving office, President Eisenhower cautioned us all about what he aptly named the "Military Industrial Complex" and we now realize just how apt that warning was. It is regrettable that it was not heeded sufficiently to head off its most recent and frightening innovation.

We used to advise people that the only way to keep a secret with certainty was to never tell anyone about it. Now, we must say that if you don't want someone to know what you think, do not think it."

In a closing, rather odd closing note, FOX News which never acknowledged receiving the above News Release, reported Hamsun Gregor's unexpected demise this morning. They reported that he had been found floating face-down in the Potomac River. Local police determined his death to be the result of suicide. No explanation was offered for what appeared to be a single bullet wound to his forehead observed by first responders on the scene.

Disclaimer:

Any relationship between this document and reality, though arguably likely, is entirely coincidental.