Secrets of a Happy Marriage

The secret to a good marriage is not as mysterious as it seems. Here it is in a nutshell: Be kind to your spouse. If you want a good marriage, treat your spouse with as much kindness and consideration as you would someone you have just met on the street. Psssst. Pass it on.

In fact, every so often look over at your spouse with a stranger's eyes. You may just see the person who gave you butterflies on that first date, and then some.

If your spouse has won an award, finished a project in the home, etc., be proud, and tell people about it. Fawn over it the same way you would in the beginning. As we age, we start to wonder if we "still have it." Make sure your spouse knows it. Don't assume that after "all these years" the person knows it.

People don't treat their loved ones with the same respect as they do strangers. There's no "thank you" or "you're welcome" for a spouse (for the most part).

It goes beyond that. I have seen people scream and carry on with a loved one. This includes vile language, snide comments and the silent treatment. Minutes later, a phone call would come...a telemarketer, no less...and the entire tone of voice changed. "Hi. How are you?" It would be finished with, "You have a nice day." Why can't we be as polite with our spouses?

Here's the simple answer: It's a human being thing. We show our true colors in places where we feel safe.

At the top of the list is the spouse. We figure they know us well enough to not take our bad days seriously. We can get away with being nasty to our spouse because they know we love them. Well, that's the mindset. And it's wrong.

Here are some things to help you change your ways and make your marriage one that endures.

Think before you speak. Before you let something come out of your mouth, take a deep breath. You walk into your bedroom, and the closet door is wide open again. You've told him, that man, time and again how much it bugs you. You go ballistic. I use this as an example because that was my husband's problem. Closet doors and kitchen cabinets were always left slightly open.

I have things, too. Mine seems to be the coffee maker. I couldn't' seem to get that coffee maker cleaned out. I'd make coffee in the morning, and my husband would come home, and I hadn't emptied the coffee pot which certainly irked him. Even when I cleaned the pot, it didn't work. I'd want an afternoon cup of coffee. Again, a dirty pot. Seriously, how hard is it to rinse out that pot?

We came to this: I'd close the closet doors, and he'd empty the coffee pot. It comes to picking your battles.

As the children came and major life issues hit, those doors and that coffee pot seemed like small potatoes. If you pick on every little thing that gets on your nerves about your spouse, you'll run out of your daily allowance of breath.

Don't hold onto the past. Either you forgive, or you don't. Have it out. Don't let it fester. Fight fair. Women are accused of coming up with transgressions their husbands have made over the years in the middle of a new argument. If you have an issue with your mate, discuss it, fight it out, get it over with, then let it go. Don't bring it up again. The phrase, "remember ten years ago when you..." must be stricken from your vocabulary.

If you want to have a good marriage recognize that sometimes the things you are upset about have nothing to do with your mate. Figure out what you are really angry about. A spouse is the closest relationship we have. Your spouse is safe. (Are you sensing a pattern here?)

You may be very angry at something else, or you may be stressed beyond all reason. It's fine to vent on your spouse, but preface your words with "I'm venting." You have to have a safe place to get out your stress, but you have to make sure you don't take advantage of your relationship.

Conversely, if your mate seems to be directing anger at you that doesn't seem legitimate, try to figure out what has been going on in his life. Most often, work issues spill over into the home life. Men aren't as intuitive when it comes to sorting through feelings. If you have an easy going guy who all of a sudden gets angry that the clothes aren't folding, try to figure out whether he's really angry about the clothes or if he has something else on his mind.

Know what's important. If you spend time worrying about tiny things, you can't be a united force when the family as a whole needs you. That's a key. You need to be a united force. You truly have been joined as one.

Yes, these are ideals. You will lose your temper. You will have a bad day. But if you try to hit one of these things each day, you have made life better for you and spouse.

Marriage is a relationship that has to be cultivated constantly. It's a relationship that can't be taken for granted. If your spouse has a hot cup of coffee waiting for you each morning, acknowledge it at some point. Show some gratitude.