Secrets Can Hold Your Marriage Afloat

While secrets are generally thought of as an enemy of intimacy and relationships, could they actually be a necessary evil? Could withholding information be the happy relationship Holy Grail? When the love of your life looks at you and asks, "honey, do these pants make me look fat" or "baby, was it as good for you as it was for me" do you spare their feelings again or grimly advised that they may want to sit down for the answer?

Simply put, do you crush your love one or take the truth to the grave? When Elaine Benes of Seinfeld fame; played by Julie Louie Dryfuss, claims she can keep a secret she means business. She will lock your juiciest details in "the vault" and there it stays, until someone breaks out the Peach Schnapps and then it's all over....town that is!

Do you keep secrets from your mate and if so why? Does the secret help keep the drama at bay and the volume of heated discussions well under 6? Does this privileged information offer protection for you or your mate in some way? Does your marriage have a secrets quota or is the entire union held together by secrets, smoke and mirrors?

Withholding info from your spouse or significant other appears to be a complicated dance, like the Tango. There are many varieties, i.e. Argentine Tango, Finnish Tango, Uruguayan Tango, etc. This mysterious dance that spans hundreds of years tosses two people together and they magically create this intricate piece of art before an audience; sort of like a marriage with secrets.

Anatomy of a Secret

Secret Agent, Nazi Secrets, Victoria's Secret, Secret Handshakes, Secret Santa, Political Secrets, a Secret office romance with the cutie two cubicles over. Ok, enough is enough. There are many types of secrets with fallout ranging from bright red cheeks and gentle ribbing to a new intimate knowledge of your state's divorce court. There are personal and private matters that you may want to keep from your mate. This ego bruising info includes the numerous times you have used the men's room because the line to the ladies room is a mile long as usual or maybe that schoolgirl crush you have for a certain super hot celeb.

Then there are the carefully guarded morsels that could at the very least affect your conjugal visits. The leak of other more sensitive information can be more damaging; even landing you in solitary confinement for a few months. For example: that your personal trainers broad shoulders and big guns are the real motivation behind your new found dedication to working out 5 days a week, or perhaps the el pollo loco clause you wrote into your vegetarian lifestyle that entitles you to a few juicy fried chicken breasts? What about those expensive gifts you give your work wife (aka your assistant) for her birthday and holidays to show your appreciation? Maybe, you feed your wife's infamous lasagna to the dog when she leaves the room? Does the hubby know that you go through his inbox with a fine toothed comb in search of nothing in particular?

Then of course is the highly guarded information that brings you to ground zero and the immediate need for legal counsel. You slept with your wife's sexy younger sister, need I say more?

Shhhhhhh.....

Marriage A Darryl has a secret that could definitely get him into hot water with his significant other. Over the course of his 3 year relationship with Pamela he has never disclosed the time he leaves his job. Apparently, Pamela is a tad bit chatty and after 8-10 hours of dealing with the boss, employees and clients this inmate needs time to decompress, without the soon to be misses in tow. In his private after work life Darryl is a regular at the local peep shows and strip clubs. He also frequents happy hour at all the hot sports bars. Justification:"I need some me time, just a few hours after work to shake off the stress of the day and refresh me for the night to come."

Marriage B Richard is an especially hen pecked husband. He has a curfew, an allowance and is on a carefully monitored schedule of conjugal visits by none other than his wife of 2 years. Richard agrees to the maximum security out of love for his lady. That and the control he feels when he gives fraudulent feedback on her hair, make-up and wardrobe choices. Richard's probation officer, Debbie is a rather fragile creature when she isn't overseeing her man. She is hyper-sensitive and often times crashes into a million pieces when faced with the real truth about what she calls her "skinny jeans." Justification:"Expensive and romantic plans, dates with friends and conjugal visits can all come to a screeching halt if I tell the truth about her clothes, hair, make-up, etc. I enjoy going out with Deb but I lack the patience to watch her run through an entire closet because yes those pants make her fat! I give her what she wants and she generously reciprocates."

Marriage C James has a different situation. He is thoughtful and sensitive, the consummate gentleman. He gets along well with his evil mother-in-law and is actively involved in the rearing of his not one but 2 step children. I could go on about this handsome entrepreneur but you would likely want to stop me to inquire what secrets this perfect specimen could possibly be keeping. Actually, James' wife of 5 years has the hidden agenda. It seems that the marketing firm that Lexi has diligently worked for over the past 3 years has rewarded her with 2 promotions that have pushed her once meager salary to $15,000 over that of her mans. Why keep this from a great guy that keeps her the envy of all her friends? Justification: "James has a huge ego that could NEVER handle the truth. When we first hooked up he was a mechanic and I earned about $7,000 more than he did as a personal assistant to a local celebrity. It drove him crazy and whenever I attempted to pay for anything it was scene as a challenge to his manhood. We fought all the time and at some point I found it best to keep my annual bottom line under wraps for the sake of my sanity."

Secrets and Lies

Before becoming a wife and mother I saw myself as complete in everyway. I lived a full and exciting life; a free spirited and independent lady. I did as I damned well pleased after all who would dare stop me? I worked. I traveled. I completely devoured life.

When I became part of marriage, a family, I wasn't always so sure of who and what I was. How much of my past life remains in the past and how much of it do I share with my mate? How do you give yourself to your mate completely and still manage hold on to who you are? The line between personal privacy and full and complete disclosure is dangerously thin.

If I provide full disclosure am I morphed into an extension of my husband or do I wrap up the juiciest bits, put them in the vault (swearing off all Schnapps forever of course) and wear a mischievous grin when I think of the things he doesn't know?

Are there things my mate doesn't know, certainly. I am an adventurous broad and things don't always turn out the way I hope. Sometimes the end result can be down right embarrassing. These are among the list of things I keep to myself.

If this info has remained a secret because it occurred before we were an item, is personal and won't require legal counsel to resolve I'd say its vault worthy. You want to pace yourself with the release of all sensitive info. The amount of details given should grow with the relationship as long as it isn't hurtful. Depending on the level of damage to a person's reputation, financial status or health full and complete disclosure is the way to go.