Secrets a Quest for Paternity

The mere mention of establishing paternity can make people defensive. Mention this- especially to a celebrity and the response can be cool, defensive and one of denial. People are quick to rally around "the accused." The famous person may scoff or dismiss the allegation and be more protective of finances. The family may fire off a letter to the person requesting paternity, insisting they are not related. Name calling may be involved.

Whether a couple had a one night stand 25+ years ago, an extramarital affair, or an on-going relationship, the need to establish paternity can occur in a variety of situations, emotions and circumstances. Down the road, someone appears out of nowhere from yesteryear, claiming to be one's daughter, son, grandchild or other relative. We often read about this happening to celebrities or people in the public spotlight. From rock stars to actors, a new day dawns and they see it coming at them like a locomotive in the distance....here comes the past.

In the meantime, an unknown person reaches out with questions about their heritage. This person knows the truth in their heart of hearts, from prior conversations with relatives, pictures and/or journals. They yearn for recognition and validation. The last thing they usually want is to infringe in the lives of others. Still, they receive hate mail. They know they are not believed. They find numerous pages of blogs on the Internet with scathing insults. They are suddenly "the enemy." It is as if they are doing something wrong. They usually do not want to live in the celebrity's grand villa or lavish lifestyle, or cause problems for the family. Yet, many sit on the sidelines while the cameras roll and media lights converge on their suspected relative. They watch the celebrity's "real" family at their side. They feel invisible and dismissed. Their curiosity about their loved one is off the charts. They think of that family member on holidays. They yearn to be a part of the family and be welcomed with open arms.

In situations of the adult parent and adult child - now over the age of majority, it can be difficult to obtain DNA. Laws are not in favor of forcing people to produce DNA when the celebrity and suspected relative are over the age of majority. It is challenging to force a television star who is now in his 70's to submit his DNA because a man in his 30's may be his son. So, it is hoped that the celebrity's offspring will come forward, give some DNA and help in the process. The earlier done, the better... preferably before the age of majority.

Why the paternity emphasis, 30, 40 and 50 years later? People rudely declare that these suspected relatives of celebrities should get lives and just move on. They argue, if they know the truth, why do they need a piece of paper? The reason others do not understand a DNA request from a now adult child, is because they do not walk in their shoes. When one does not have validation of their total being, they do not feel whole. It forms a void in their hearts. It is in some ways, a journey for closure. It is certainly a passage for their current and future family members.

People get downright nasty and speculate that "these shenanigans" have to be about one thing...money. It is not always about the money, though. Sometimes people are seeking vital medical information and histories- not only for themselves, but for a child, grandchild or other loved one. It can indeed be a life and death issue and time can be of the essence. A person seeking DNA to establish paternity has a right to pursue it, which we must remember and respect.

There is also a moral issue. What do we call it when the identity of an adult child has been deliberately concealed? Is it immoral? Is it criminal? If there is even a remote possibility that there could be a DNA match - and people refuse to cooperate by controlling the situation, is this abusive? Does this constitute Parental Alienation? Is there a circumstance in which it is somehow ok to not comply? It raises a lot of ethical questions. The important thing to remember is that there are generally not bad guys- only people seeking answers.

The rich ones in these scenarios are the families who accept responsibility and who welcome the innocent newcomer into their lives. It is never too late to create memories and do the proper, decent thing. The problem is that people have varying opinions regarding doing the right thing. Some think it is best to just to ignore the situation, as if it will all go away. One thing they might consider, in their attempt to do the right thing, is that they have to live with their choices. They have to look themselves in the mirror everyday. If there is even a remote chance there is a new relative, wouldn't it make sense to know the truth? Is it a loving gesture for a celebrity to dishonestly shield this person's request and possible identity, from the rest of the family? Shouldn't the celebrity's family members have rights in this or do they deserve to have an altered family tree? The poor ones in this are the forgotten adult children who fade into the background of the parent's glitter and stardom. They struggle with people telling them they are not family. They have children and grandchildren who legally seek their identities and heritage. It is comparable to solving a puzzle of sorts, trying to locate and assemble missing pieces of a relative's life. In cases where the celebrity and others associated with the person are deceased, it can be even more complex.

Deceased people tend to be remembered as close to perfect. If they were legendary stars in the limelight, this goes double. Their publicly recognized children and grandchildren will tell you there is no way they would have ever done anything unscrupulous or scandalous to keep up appearances. The problem is that the people who were born years later and make these statements were not there. In some situations, all who were there at the time are now deceased. One major, factual remnant lingers from all of those years ago...DNA.

There is a deceased singer who left a will that disputed the paternity of a young man. Despite paying child support and a paternity test that produced a 99.6% positive result that he was the father, he departed this world in denial. His cruel words must have ripped the young man's heart to shreds and pierced his soul. Why be heartless? Why not leave the gifts of closure, acceptance and truth to others? Why couldn't this young person have been left with an eternal peace?

So often, we see labels such as: legitimate, illegitimate, love child, secret or hidden children. These negative descriptions are attached to real people with feelings and dreams. It is a basic, human right to know one's heritage and it is inconceivable why anyone would believe they have the right to manipulate this process. All of the denial in the world will not change blood lines, ancestry and history. This can only snowball and grow uglier. Providing DNA will calm the gossip and allegations. If it is untrue that a person is related, prove it. Step up to the plate and get the findings. There is no time like the present.