Seeking New Members: Perpetual Bandwagon Looking for People to Jump on Board

Have you always wanted to be part of a fan base but worried you lacked the appropriate sporting knowledge? Have you always felt that you are somehow better than everyone else but you weren't sure why? Are you looking for new opportunities to take shirtless photos of yourself to post as your profile picture on Myspace or Facebook? If you answered yes to any of the above then being a Cubs fan is for you.

Benefits of membership:

Being a cubs fan is exciting and comes with many perks. As a Cubs fan, you are granted the unique ability to win any and all baseball related arguments by playing the Wrigley card. Which team has the best chance of winning the World Series this year? Wrigley Field. Who is the greatest left handed hitter of all time? Wrigley Field. What is the best solution for decreasing America's dependence on foreign oil and lowering greenhouse gas emissions? Wrigley Field. Also, the Cubs' status as perennial losers prevents anyone from questioning your loyalty ever again (don't worry that you've only been a fan for a few minutes now). Joining our ranks is a lot like joining a fraternity (only slightly less homo-erotic). Our home is a run down building that smells like urine, getting drunk is our number one priority, and we love talking about how awesome we are.

Requirements:

• In the face of failure, you must be quick to find someone else to blame (it doesn't have to be logical, we've blamed it on a goat in the past)
• When attending games, you must use your cell phone at least once an inning to let someone know that you're "getting totally wasted at the Cubs game right now, bro."
• You must endlessly forward emails to opposing teams' fans containing pictures with semi-witty captions or crappy PowerPoint animations in order to prove the superiority of the Cubs over the White Sox/Cardinals/Brewers.
• You must be skilled at playing the part of a victim. Following a loss, it is important to be able to deflect criticism by discussing the years of injustice and hardship that you personally have endured as a Cubs fan. Forget slave reparations, what you have gone through as a Cubs fan for the last 100 years is so much worse (hopefully people won't notice that you're not 100 years old).
• The ability to gloat obnoxiously after a win is equally important.
• General intelligence not required: Don't worry; no previous baseball knowledge is necessary. When watching games with other Cubs fans, either at the stadium or in a bar, you won't be required to discuss the particulars of the game or even know what's going on.

How to Join:

Joining is simple if you follow these steps:

1. Go to your local Abercrombie and purchase a pair of cut-off camo cargo shorts.
2. Purchase some article of Cubs clothing (preferably a hat so you can still where your Sig Chi barn dance shirt to the game)
3. Get really drunk and scream obscenities at small children (it doesn't have to be at the game, as long as you're wearing your Cubs gear and include a reference to how F'ing awesome Big Z is)
4. Put Cubs stickers on your car because nothing says die-hard fan like ruining your clear-coat.
5. Defend Ron Santo as a good broadcaster every chance you get.