Seinfeld - the Vampire Chronicles

"It's outrageous, outlandish!" George said, as he and Jerry were exiting the theatrical midnight showing of Twilight. "I mean, it's one thing to make the him out to be a complete panzy, it's another to... I mean. He sparkles in the sunlight?!"
The frustration was getting to him, he couldn't accept the sight, the movie he had just seen. $8.50 wasted, and for what? A sparkling vampire? "And did you see those teenaged girls in front of us? They would not shut up!" George continued. Scoffing as they walked out the front doors of the theater.
"I agree." Said Jerry, much more level headed and calm. After hundreds of years of companionship, Jerry had become immune to George's heated comments.
"I would give a testicle to be able to walk out into the sun! I mean, damn. If I could just sparkle without melting, I'd be as happy as a queer in a pecker tree. But no. When I'm outside during the day, I melt." George was finally calming a bit.
"Yeah, maybe I should lock you out tomorrow." Jerry said, sarcastically.
"Maybe." George sighed, bitterly.
"It's just. Do you know what happened to me the one time I accidentally forgot to close the shades before I went to bed one morning? I woke up with a third degree burn on my shoulder. If I had just sparkled, all that would have happened was I looked like a teenage girl with glitter."
"You, a teenage girl?" Jerry shuddered at the thought.

They walked down the streets of the city of New York, far less menacing than you would imagine a vampire would be at this time of night. Jerry walked, feeling his fangs with his tongue.
"You know, why do we even have these teeth? It's not like we ever use them. All they ever do is prick my tongue when I'm trying to eat my steak. It's kind of a pain getting around biting the inside of my mouth... It also makes first kisses pretty awkward. What's the deal?" Jerry said aloud.
"Hah, first kisses? I can't even get through a date without bitng my lip and it bleeding. Now that makes for an awkward time." The bitter George said. As always, his pessimism sone through all of his actions. Jerry, finding humor in his friend's pain, only encouraged the behavior.
"Really?" Jerry said in a surprised tone. "So when was the last time you had sex?"
"Do we have to go into this right now?!" George exclaimed. "I don't know... a while."
"A while meaning... what? A few hours, a few weeks... ?"
"I... I don't know!... hen hunts..." George said the last part under his breath.
"Wah, what? Excuse me again?"
"Ten months damnit! I'm a short, stocky bald man that wears glasses and can only go out at night. I'm not getting much action, Jerry. God has cursed me again!"
"Oh. Well, I see your point."

They continued walking on, finally reaching the apartment.
As soon as they enter and shut the door, a tall, lanky man comes barging through. His hair stood atop his head and his motions were spastic, almost meth-head-like.
"Kramer!" Jerry said, openly greeting him.
"Y-y-yeah. How was, that uhh, movie? Twilight?" Kramer said, as he walked behind the counter in Jerry's kitchen.
"It wasn't much to bother for, if you ask me. Quite offensive." Jerry remarked.
"Offensive? That doesn't even touch it! Do you know the vampires sparkle in the sunlight? They sparkle, Kramer! Sparkle!" George said, once again enraged at the fact of the sparkling.
"Oh, sparkle, huh? What I'd give to sparkle. Chicks would be all over you!" Kramer said, thoughtfully, just as he reached into Jerry's fridge to get a pack of ham for a sandwich he had not asked for and Jerry had not offered.
"Tell me about it." George said, his sadness and bitterness once again taking hold of his soul. The emptiness that he must surely have felt after so many years of dealing with all of his curses.
"You know, I'm gonna look into this. I think that Twilight stuff might be onto something!" Kramer said, as he helped himself to a sandwich made from Jerry's groceries.
"Oh, you can't be serious? We don't sparkle. It's not natural." Jerry told him. Quite upset, he was, at the fact that Kramer was going to try this.
"No, no, Jerry! This golden. This Twilight is onto something. It's going to be big. I'll get back to you." Kramer said, as he stumbled out of the apartment.
"Whatever." Jerry had said. "Well, I'm turning in." He motioned toward the clock, it was almost 6:00AM. The sun would be coming out soon.
"Yeah, yeah. F***ing Twilight." George ended and laid on the couch. He stared at the ceiling for some time before finally falling asleep. Dealing with the demons in his head, in his heart, that most certainly haunted his every waking step, his very existance. Before he slept, all he could think, was "F***ing Twilight..."