Selecting a College Major and Its Direct Influence on Your Career Prospects in the New Economy

Recent economic changes have prompted the editors of The Big Book of College Majors and Viable Jobs Matrices¹ to issue their twelfth edition. The new book cross references college majors and minors and predicts the resulting job prospects in light of the recent changes on Wall Street and the uncertainty that comes with a new administration in Washington.

This is a "must read" for all college-bound students. Before you decide your college major, I recommend you read the newest edition. Here are a few excerpts to get your mental juices flowing while you prepare for what is really important in getting a decent job after college...Greek Rush Week.

Major: Nursing. Minor: Bioenvironmental Engineering.

Skill: The ability to create health-inducing surroundings especially in hospitals.

Job Outlook: Hospital gift shop clerk. You'll spend your days recommending the prefect flower arrangement based on the patient's diagnosis. Doctors will begin to question your interference when you start making weekly visits to the ICU to reassess the Feng Shui of the ward. Ultimately, you are fired for pilfering hand sanitizer from the gift shop.

Major: Industrial Engineering. Minor: Architecture.

Skill: The ability to draw and read blueprints.

Job Outlook: Drywall installer, but a damn good one who can cut an electrical outlet hole as if it were a work of art. When asked what you want for a graduation gift, tell them a Rotozip and get a jump on your career. Your career goes well until you meet your arch-nemisis, our next graduate.

Major: Environmental Sciences. Minor: Classics.

Skill: The ability to appreciate aqueducts.

Job Outlook: Green Living Architect, one of the few growth careers in the new economy. You will carry out innovative recycling programs and encourage people to build houses out of old tires and cans. Your career will come to an abrupt end when you finally go insane and insist everyone abandon flush toilets and build outhouses. Your last days are spent in an asylum, digging holes in the lawn and drinking your own urine.

Major: Planning & Public Policy. Minor: Plant Science.

Skill: The ability to designate city beautification winners.

Job Outlook: Mayor. You will be memorialized for your greatest contribution to the town, the William J. Lepetomane Memorial Highway Median which will boast the most eco-friendly habitat in the county. Unfortunately, the wildlife attracted combined with the traffic will result in a massive reduction in the local raccoon, opossum, and skunk populations. This in turn will lead to the creation of the William J. Lepetomane Memorial Carcass Removal Division of the City Animal Control Department. Still, you'll have two plaques and a legacy.

Major: Pharmacy. Minor: Biochemistry.

Skill: Highly marketable drug research and development abilities. Your first impulse will be to take a high-paying job at a major pharmaceutical company where you can live your dream of curing the world of dangerous diseases. When the reality that you are not being asked to cure anything, but rather just design new, highly profitable forms of sex enhancement products (e.g. New Viagra), you will move to Oregon where you can fund your designer hallucinogen development with a large crop of marijuana.

Major: Animal Science. Minor: Dance.

Skill: The ability to hear the rhythm of the chicken dance.

Job Outlook: Dog dancing trainer. After struggling for 10 years, you will be mauled to death by a tone-deaf pit bull.

Major: Political Science. Minor: Communications.

Skill: Speech writing.

Job Outlook: King Maker. By honing your innate obsequiousness, you will grab the coat tails of a rising politician for whom you will write amazing speeches sprinkled with historical references no one will question like, "We shall roll back taxes as Constantine VIII pushed back the Patzinaks." After 20 years of loyal service, you will be fired for actually printing the speeches on the Internet, therefore making your lord accountable for all their campaign promises.

Major: Psychology. Minor: Linguistics.

Skill: The ability to determine what people really meant to say.

Job Outlook: Psychologist/counselor. You will excel in private practice, but your real talents will be as a spouse who can win every argument using psychological warfare and clever Latin puns. Your practice will fall off when your patients become aware that you are thrice divorced and, therefore, not qualified to lead couple's counseling.

Major: Theater Arts. Minor: Information Technology.

Skill: The ability to perform interpretive dance with only a MIDI file soundtrack.

Job Outlook: Web site designer. You will created dozens of web sites which have no practical purpose. Your use of color, contrast, and animated graphics will lead to thousands of seizures world wide. The impending law suits will force you to take a Java programming job which you will work remotely from your home office wearing only a leotard. However, your YouTube videos will develop a huge cult following, but sadly no income. You will finally succumb to rickets and scurvy brought on by the lack of sunshine and diet of Ramen Noodles.

Major: Visual Arts. Minor: Food Science.

Skill: The ability to see the beauty of a radish.

Job Outlook: Sculptor. You will revolutionize the art world by working in such innovative media as potatoes, beans, and sauerkraut. After achieving world-renowned status, you will turn your art to humanitarian needs and create sculptures to feed starving, third-world citizens. The long transit times, combined with spoilage, will end with the deaths of 12,000 Somalia refugees. You will spend your remaining days carving soap into realistic guns in a prison in The Hague.

Carefully consider your choice of college major in light of the job prospects. If you can make money doing something you love, however unlikely, so much the better.

¹The Big Book of College Majors and Viable Jobs Matrices, 12th ed.^©. ISBN: ZZ312994399X, published by theBarefoot Crayon and Construction Paper Publishing Cottage, LLC .