Self Change

It is often hard to discover yourself and your true identity, especially in high school with all the peer pressure, and influences. "Who are you to hang out with? Who should you be? Who are you pressured to be?" Etcetera. Etcetera. I am no stranger to all that nonsense.

In a way everyone goes through the same exact thing. The "fitting in" phase as I like to call it. Every teen finds themselves drifting between cliques until they find the right one for them, whether it is a long or short journey.

Unfortunately for me, this journey was entirely too long.

Going into high school I was more confused than imaginable. I had no clue of who I was or who I was going to become in the next four years. What made life even more confusing was the fact that once I stepped onto this campus I was already categorized as a "white" girl, even though I am Caucasian, German, Mexican and African American.

Since I was categorized as a white girl, and looked like one, I immediately began hanging with that kind of crowd. Adapting, in a sense, to all of their likes and dislikes. Completely ignoring my own self uniqueness.

However, I began to get annoyed with the constant fakeness I was surrounded in. Automatically magnetizing yourself to a certain clique makes everything unnatural and forced.

The group of kids I hung out with were not even my real friends. They were annoyed as well as I was to why I was in their little group. Till finally it hit me that I needed to get out of there.

Towards the end of freshman year and all throughout sophomore year I began to branch out a little at a time. I began drifting to and from cliques trying to find out where I belonged. I even changed looks to try and make it that much easier for me.

I even found myself switching racially between black, white and Mexican kids, trying to figure out where I felt most comfortable. Becoming increasingly more and more confused as I tried to find my place.

It was not until junior year that I became comfortable with who I was on all grounds. Traveling back and forth from cliques categorized in all different forms had positive and negative outcomes on my life.

For one, I became a confused little kid, wandering between people trying to find out where I belonged. It was embarrassing and often stressful but if I did not go through the process where would I be now?

I was able to gradually discover who I was and the person I was destined to become through those few years, even if the journey was an excruciating one.

I now find myself to be someone who is versatile. I am able to get along with different cliques, in whichever way they are categorized and not feel as if I don't belong. I no longer am confused as to where I should be racially wise because I am now comfortable with who I am as a person.

Looking back at those years now that's all it was. Confidence. I lacked that important aspect those first years of high school and look at where I was. It is pathetic how easily the way you view yourself affects your whole life. Believe me.

I do not regret my confused freshman and sophomore year because if I did not go through that "fitting in" phrase I would of not had the experience I did and in the end would not of found out who I really was.

What I came to learn was, that within every clique, group or racial structure there is always someplace where I belong.

Categorizing yourself makes you just as bad as every other person who does it, whether they know the person they are categorizing or not.