Self Disclosure in New Relationships: How to Not Scare Off Your Amazing Date

A common problem in new relationships is the inability to asses the amount of needed self disclosure. What is self disclosure anyway? Well, it is the expression of private thoughts, feelings, and characteristics.The problem with self disclosure, is that most people don't realize that they have been too open and shared too much, until their new hot fling, has flung... far, far away from them. Here are some important skills to note about self disclosure in new relationships.

Firstly, it is really important to steer clear of disclosing too much personal information. Try to keep personal issues on a superficial level and remember that self-disclosure does not necessarily lead to "liking." The common problem in new relationships is that it's easy to get wrapped up in a "moment" and forget that impressions are still being made. Relationships are anything but a race; and at the risk of sounding cliche, the development of a successful relationship is more like a marathon.

When in doubt about a disclosure on a first date, think about whether or not you would say this in an interview. Then remember- this is an interview! This person is interviewing you to hold the position of friend, confidant, boyfriend girlfriend etc. With as much possible restraint, try to avoid hot-button issues such as strong political views, strong religious views, or anything that could lead an otherwise amazing date into more of a heated debate.

There are some basic concepts of self disclosure that most people don't know, but really should. Some basics are breadth, depth, duration and valence. These all have to do with the disclosure itself. What is the number of topics a person discloses? To what extent is the disclosure intimate? What is the length of the disclosure? Is the disclosure viewed positively or negatively?

Keeping all these ideas in mind, (breadth, depth and valence,) there is a "metaphysical rule," called the Norm of Reciprocity. This norm is something that is really something of a phenomenon.This norm basically states that whenever somebody gives another person something, be it knowledge, a gift, dinner, whatever; the person on the receiving end will feel compelled to give something back. This may be something in different form, or in the same form, it really depends on the situation. So when somebody tells their new date gory details of his or her first sexual relation, the story of their ailing mother, or any kind of skeleton that may be hiding in their closet, the receiver of this knowledge will inevitably feel uncomfortable because it makes them feel that it's necessary to reciprocate. The moral of this idea is simply to think before you speak. It's important to keep the mental-to-mouth filter on keel, and use strategic planning and thought in conversation during the nascent developmental stages of a relationship.

I'm not condoning the act of superficiality in relationships and not thoroughly getting to know each other, but there's a time and place for that. Make the beginning days of a relationship fun! Get to know each others' personality step by step in doses and try to remember that nobody's perfect.