Self Dynamic: How Drugs and Alcohol Have Affected My Life

I was exposed to the effects of alcohol and drug abuse, on my family, as a child. Well it continued to affect me as I got older. I remember that while I was young I promised myself that I would never allow myself to become a junkie or an alcoholic like some of my relatives. I told myself that I could be strong and ignore the peer pressure that I would eventually come across. I said, "I can have a good time without getting drunk or high." Well, then I started high school and things changed. I didn't realize how hard it would be for me to say no, especially to someone that I thought I was in love with.

I met this guy in high school and I thought, at the moment, that he was the nicest guy I had ever met. He was funny, smart, spent so much time with me and made me feel like I was the most important thing in the world. Then one day he invited me to go camping with him and his family for Easter. His mom had a talk with my mom and assured her that she would be there with us the whole time and make sure nothing bad would happen. Well, it took a lot of convincing, but my mom actually let me go. As soon as we got out there, he gave me a beer and a joint. I just looked at him like he was crazy and I didn't know what to say. His mom seemed ok with it all and even told me to go ahead and have fun. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! She was a parent! Shouldn't parents be the ones who don't allow their kids to do these things? Well, everyone there was doing it, and he kept telling me to try it, so I did. I remember putting the bottle to my lips and taking a sip and thinking, "this stuff tastes disgusting". I guess I was stupid enough to actually feel embarrassed that I was the only one who didn't seem to like the taste, so I drank a little bit more. He lit my joint for me and told me to "take a hit". After a while my head felt so weird. I felt like I was in a whole different place and I felt warm and happy. I actually felt good! I continued to do this and one beer led to another, as well as one hit and then another and another. Next thing I remember, everyone seemed to be having the time of their lives and was dancing to the music on the radio we had and eating and enjoying themselves. Well I was until I blacked out. I woke up a few hours later with the vague memory of where I was. Then I realized I was still out camping with my boyfriend and his family. When we returned home a few days later, I refused to tell my mom what happened.

My boyfriend and I got into the pattern of smoking after school almost everyday. It didn't really affect my grades much. In fact, somehow I kept a straight A status the whole time I was in high school. I figured since it didn't affect my grades, there wasn't really any harm. Him and I eventually broke up but I met other people who smoked all the time and we became good friends. I was surprised that their parents also smoked with us as well. I ignorantly couldn't understand why their parents were so "cool", when my mom never let us do it. Of course I could never mention that to her. When I would hang out with them, I would spend the night at their house so that I wouldn't return home stoned or drunk. I was having so much fun, not realizing the damage I was causing to my body.

One day I did come home stoned but I remember I played it off and convinced my mom that I was just tired. Somehow, she bought it! She started to become a little suspicious though because I started to have mood swings. Once again though, I convinced her that it was just because of stress from school. However, a few nights my younger sister came home intoxicated or stoned, and my mom knew right away. She argued with her and even cried a few times because she couldn't believe what my sister was doing. I thought I was just the lucky one and could hide it better. The more and more that I watched my sister do it, the more disgusted I became with myself. I didn't want her to be like that. A friend of mine who also knew here would tell me when he would see her do it, and then I would rat her out to my mom. I was such a hypocrite! I continued to do it, but to a less extent, and would keep ratting her out. My mom even wanted to send her to a rehab center.

Well then, I graduated from high school at the top of my class and summer began. I was still partying every now and then, but my sister started to get sick and worse. She even started to look too thin. I realized that I had to stop doing what I was doing before I could help her. I didn't want anything bad to happen to her. I finally stopped. I realized how much I loved her. I talked to my mom about it, but at the same time I never told her that I had a similar problem. We both talked to my sister and started finding ways to get her to stop. She would stop but then start up again. She told us that she was only smoking cigarettes, but I could smell marijuana on her. I even suspected she was using cocaine because of her dramatic weight loss. Her health became so bad that we thought she might actually die. She kept going to the hospital and needed counseling. I couldn't believe she was doing this to herself. Slowly, she began to stop and her health began to improve. What actually made her stop was that she met a guy whom she fell head over heels with and she focused all her energy into that. She got pregnant and vowed that she would never repeat the same pattern. However, now the guy seems to be an alcoholic who secretly smokes and it disgusts her. She wants to have a new and improved life. She has even decided that if he does not go to rehab, she will leave him and raise her daughter on her own.

As for me, after I turned twenty one, I began to work at a bar and was exposed to alcohol again, as well as drugs. I got into the habit of drinking again and began to drink at work as well as before and after. I would go out all the time, and since I no longer lived with my mom and sister, I would get to my home at all hours of the night or not come home at all. I felt I couldn't have a good time without having a few drinks. It was a very sad thing. I met my husband and we would party together. We got a place together and would get intoxicated together almost every day. The thing that made me stop was that he started to drink more and more and I didn't like his behavior. He wouldn't come home sometimes and he would drive home drunk when he would. I didn't want him to be like that. He wasn't abusive but we would argue a lot and I would get unhappy and cry a lot. I knew I cared a lot about him so I just stopped. I tried to help him stop and eventually he stopped too. I got pregnant and both of us became so excited and decided that we wanted to be great parents. We do not drink or smoke at all anymore. We are trying to keep this pregnancy healthy. We also plan on trying to teach our soon-to-be-son to keep away from what we experienced. We stopped hanging out with our old party buddies and now we just focus on school, work and our relationship. I am extremely happy to have met him and I love the fact that we are about to start our own family. We don't need to be intoxicated to be happy. As long as we have each other, we will be okay. Without him in my life, I don't know where I would be right now.