Self-Loather's Guide to Dating

With countless self-help guides and episodes of Oprah and Dr. Phil designed to help people with problems in their lives, it is difficult for those of us who enjoy wallowing in self-pity to continue our self-loathing ways. I have therefore decided to write a series of guides especially written for people like me. I have written a guide, called the Tutorial: How to Sabotage Yourself as a starting point for those who are interested. This series of guides will cover specific topics, beginning with dating. Following are 21 simple steps to the perfect date from a self-loather's perspective. I am confident that this will help self-loathers everywhere to continue in their comfortable, unhappy, and worthless lives.

1. Make sure you talk at length to your date about all the mistakes your ex-boy or girlfriend or ex-spouse made, but that you're sure that he or she is different. He or she will be glad to know they couldn't possibly be as bad as that loser.

2. Order spaghetti, and take large bites. The slurping sound might turn on your date.

3. If you're a woman, wear a low-cut dress. Sometime during the evening, bend over in such a way as to allow a boob to "accidentally" pop out. That will really impress him.

4. It's OK to let a fart or two rip. Your date will appreciate your candid behavior.

5. Swearing profusely and telling a few dirty jokes is a great way to find out whether your date is a prude.

6. Suggest a fun activity such as bungee jumping for your first date. There's nothing like the fear of death to break the ice.

7. Chug a few beers, then suggest a burping contest. Fun games are a good way to connect on a new level.

8. If you're a guy, wear skin tight pants so she can see that you are a "complete package."

9. Be sure to mention at some point during the evening that you haven't been tested for STDs in awhile. This will ensure that, since you are wearing gross underwear, you don't sleep together on the first date, since wearing ugly underwear never stopped you before, and only led to embarrassment.

10. Excuse yourself to go to the restroom then stumble back with white powder under your nose. Let your date sit in shock for at least ten minutes before letting him or her know that it was all a joke. Your date will think it's really funny.

11. If you find yourself getting nervous during the date, lower your head and rub your temples while moaning to release the tension. Your date will understand, and you'll get the added benefit of gaining immediate sympathy.

12. Begin random conversations with other couples sitting nearby. Your date will be happy to see that you are such a social butterfly.

13. Talk about yourself incessantly. Your date will love to hear as much as he or she can about you.

14. Whenever your date mentions personal accomplishments, interject with your own story about attaining the same goal. Your date will be pleased to know that you have so much in common.

15. Tell your date about your high standards and amazing achievements, even though none of it is true. He or she will be relieved to know you can be looked up to.

16. Be sure to ask your date repeatedly whether he or she will call you after your date is over. When trying to get someone to remember something, repetition is the key.

17. Keep telling your date how much fun you're having, and how much you really, really, really like them, and how good they look, and how funny they are, and how awesome their hair style is, and what a good listener they are, and how good they smell, and what nice hands they have, and what wonderfully beautiful eyes they have that are like looking into a calm peaceful ocean of possibilities. This will really boost their confidence.

18. Tell your date that you'd love to spend all your free time with him or her. This will make your date feel wanted. Be sure to mention that you think you've got that stalking problem pretty well under control.

19. Go ahead and plant a five minute French kiss on your date, complete with moaning and a few gyrations, before saying goodbye. This will keep your date wanting more even though you're not going to sleep with him or her tonight.

20. Tell your date that you're going to have to introduce him or her to your parents next time. This will help your date to understand how truly serious you are about the relationship, and should make him or her wildly excited.

21. If you come upon an awkward moment of silence, just cup your date's face in your hands, look deep into his or her eyes, and tell them they are "the one." Your date will be extremely flattered to know how much you care.