Self-Defense Tip for Everybody: Act Insane

"If you get mugged, throw up on your money." '" Steve Martin

Stress is caused by the "fight or flight" reflex which tenses our bodies up and gets us ready for action. Going outside of your home and dealing with other people is usually a cause for that tension to kick in. You just never know what sick little human being you are going to have to interact with.

You are so tense for so long, that it takes you hours to unwind when you get home and have nothing to be tense about. Too much tension leads to health problems, which I'm not going to go through here as reading them may make you tense. Carrying a gun or other weapon may make you tense '" as well as a target for criminals.

Relax. You don't need expensive gadgets to defend yourself from other people. All you have to do is act like a total lunatic. This has saved my person on many an occasion and opened up my schedule to worry about other things.

Loose The Pride Fast

Successful self-dense means that you to get out of a scrape in just the same shape as when you entered it. In order for you, your belongings and your body to remain unscathed, don't be too proud to start acting like a whack noodle. I once had a guy high on heroin try to bust into my home. I roared like a dragon, rolled my eyes and then charged him, brandishing a stick of firewood like a sword. I wound up getting a reputation as being just a little insane after that '" but the guy left and never came back.

Your goal is to make yourself appear to be crazier than your opponent. Most aggressive people are just bluffing. Call the bluff. Here are some easy things you can do to help convince someone who is bothering you to leave you alone:

• Carry on a conversation with an invisible friend
• Do facial twitches for no reason.
• Read a book in public like The Exorcist and laugh, highlighting sections saying, "I must remember that for Christmas!"
• Stand up as straight as you can '" believe it or not, this can intimidate people
• Speak in as deep a voice as you can
• Pretend to snatch a fly out of the air and eat it (this works great for cutting short a blind date that is obviously going nowhere fast)
• Foam at the mouth or try do drool somehow. Better yet, vomit.
• Whenever your opponent tries to talk, yell "PRAISE THE LORD!" at the top of your lungs and smile. This even works in some Internet chat rooms.
• Start trying to sell the opponent a reverse mortgage. Watch him scamper.

Use Your Surroundings

When your survival is at stake '" or just your wallet '" you will be surprised at the resourcefulness of your instinct. Whatever you think you should do to get out of a situation intact, don't think about it, just do it. Use whatever comes to hand '" which is anything. I once got out of a drunken guy's attentions from pointing across the street and saying, "Bright shiny thing!" He toddled over, saying "Where?" while I took off.

I've never tried this, but sometimes you can frighten someone off by pretending to be dying or dead. This "playing possum" commonsense self-defense for everybody might need a little planning. Someone I knew used to be picked on by the school bully (who hasn't?) This kid watched a tape on grand mal seizures in epileptics. He figured out how to mimic it. The next time the bully hit him, he went into the grand mal seizure routine. The bully was so scared he was going to be jailed for maiming someone that he never bothered the kid again.

In Conclusion

I'm obviously having a bit of fun here with this article on commonsense self-defense for everyone. This will not cover all situations, especially not incredibly risky situations. If your opponent is armed and you are not, just give him your money.

But the point is that your instinct will be able to protect you in most confrontational situations. So, there is no need to worry about interacting with other people. Most other people are like snakes or spiders '" they are more scared of you than you are of them.